The Southern View

I am polluting my atmosphere and I am not using my car to do so.    I am personally producing copious amounts of methane that I believe could be used to heat a small house.

How did I get into this predicament?  Well, it all started last night, after my workout my wife served me a large bowl of beans which had soaked overnight before cooking, supposedly this helps the digestion and cuts down on the gas.   This was followed by cabbage and brussel sprouts along with generous applications of Bean-o.

Somehow, my digestive system still managed to be upset.   I haven't hurt this badly since I had a colonoscopy years ago.

For those of you who have never had this cheerful procedure, it basically involves a camera on a long tube that is inserted where cameras are not meant to go.    I had reached the age where my Doctor told me I needed to have one based on my fathers medical history so I had it done.   As I was going under the anesthetic the doctor performing the procedure informed me I would have a lot of 'odorless gas' for a day or two because the end of the tube 'puffed air' in order to let the camera take a good picture.

When I woke up, I was groggy and disoriented but managed to stand up and logically decided I should put my pants on over my hospital gown and get the heck out of this place!   I managed to get my pants on but could not button them because my stomach was swollen by several inches.
At that point, this extremely large nurse came in and said "GET BACK INTO THAT BED NOW MR. SP!"   I staggered around to face her and said "My stomach hurts!"

"Oh that's just gas!  You has to let it out!  Here, let me help you!" the nurse said.

Before I could react, she grabbed me from behind and almost lifted me off the ground while squeezing my stomach!   Suddenly, my rear began producing sounds I had last heard on a steam powered train and I was sure my pants had been blown into the hallway.

I tried to fight her off while laughing and she just kept saying "There you go...just let it out now!"

As the windows in the room rattled I kept wishing this could have happened to me while my son was just a few years old, I could have played "Pull my finger" with him and he would have been hysterical with laughter for a week!

The Doctor was right though, for a day or two I sounded like the 500 lb winner of a baked bean eating contest.

After I ate my supper, I decided to pay a visit to my Chiropracter who keeps office hours to 8:00 PM.   I went to his office and sat in the waiting area which was pretty much empty except for a woman and her child.  As I sat, my stomach began rumbling and hurting.   Suddenly my stomach cramped and let out a loug ggggrrrrrrooooWWWWLLLLL which caused the small child to look at me in wide eyed wonder as if he were expecting a lion to leap out of my belly.

I turned red and apologized.  Fortunately, the Doc came out and escorted them into one room and me into another room.

Soon the Doc came to work on me and I realized I was in real trouble and in danger of aphyxiating him.   He had me lie on my stomach which was dangerous for him, I immediately 'clamped down' and to my horror he began pushing down on my spine.   I further clamped down as he began
pushing up and down on my spine as if he was determined to cause me to gas.   Again my stomach let out a huge roar and he stopped and said "What was that!"  I explained my meal and he laughed.   I then mentioned that my wrists had been sore and he began rubbing them and then went to pull each and every finger to 'pop' them and I told him he probably should not be playing 'pull my finger' at that moment.

As I left the office I opened the sun roof to the night air and drove off while small birds fainted after driving over my car...

This morning, I went to the gym and Adolph immediately began making me do stomach crunchs in the middle of the gym.   As I strained to do the exercises while clamping down on my lower intestinal track.   However, Adolph didn't help as he was constantly screaming "Let it go!  Come on SP!  You know you want to!   You feel it building up and you MUST release it!"   To be fair, he was talking about pain but it sure sounded like he knew what I was going through.

So now I am at work and am still producing a large amount of natural gas.    I had read somewhere that the average person breaks wind about 14 times per day.   I am pretty sure I have finished my days quota and am quickly approaching my quota for the year 2009.

The problem is, one cannot break wind safely at work without fear that someone will approach their work area immediately afterwards.   Fortunately, today I am again at a MFG plant so I have resorted to the time honored method of 'crop dusting'.

Crop Dusting is when one walks around different areas releasing gas in order to disperse it among a large area.   At this point I have walked about 4 miles and it is still early in the morning.  

Oh brother!  I just had someone come by and visit for 15 minutes, I was painfully clamping down while my stomach made horrendous noises that I felt sure were going to rattle the walls.   My visitor finally said "Well, I guess you are hungry!" and left.

While I have been suffering, I have done a little research.   I found out that many years ago, someone actually made a living by breaking wind!
(see above link).

I also found that a company that sells a special pad to put into an office chair in order to filter gas.
http://www.shopinprivate.com/flatfarfilch.html

If I keep eating healthy, I may have to buy one of those.