So I get a message this week asking if the people mentioned in my blog are for real.
Yes indeed they are! Naturally I change the names of the people in case someone from my work reads my blog (which I am starting to suspect) but they are all indeed real.
I have met some interesting characters over the years which is why my wife claims I carry the wierdness magnet, and they are always good for telling stories.
Let me share a few with you.
Many years ago, I found myself needing some extra money for Xmas presents so I decided to work nights at a local retail outlet which was local to our town. I was assigned to sell "electronics" which consisted of radios, stereos, TV's, at this time the personal computer was a rarity and not something the owner wanted to carry. What the owner DID carry was a fantastic array of jewlery and he had the best prices in town, this store had customers coming from other cities and due to the amount of traffic he wisely hired extra security during the Xmas season.
So he hired help from the 'Pinkerton Security Agency' and was assigned a very tall young man
who enjoyed carrying a gun and throwing his considerable weight around. We nicknamed him 'Deputy Perkins' (anyone want to guess where this name came from?)
For some reason, this young man seemed to enjoy hanging around my area to the point I would
often have to remind him he needed to watch the Jewelry section and he would go "Oh yeah!" and run puffing off to the Jewelry section. The woman running that section would then call me
and say "Thanks...PAL" sarcastically and hang up.
One day I was waiting on a customer when Perkins strolled up and leaned on a counter right
behind my customer. As I was conducting a sale, Perkins kept standing there huffing and
puffing until my customer started looking behind her nervously. Picture this, a very petite young woman with this HUGE man huffing and puffing behind her while wearing a security guards suit and wearing a gun. I managed to break away and called the front desk and quickly told them to page Security and have him go outside. A moment later Perkins was paged and asked to go to the parking lot, he went outside...saw an owl...and SHOT IT! Yes, he shot an owl which caused a commotion because a gun was discharged and the wildlife board got involved with the Security agency because a protected species was needlessly killed. Perkins got suspended and we were assigned a more professional security guard.
Another character I met happened while working at a warehouse. I was assigned a supervisor
position and met a man called Jules. Jules was all of 4'10" and weighed about 85 lbs consisting
of solid muscle because he worked harder than anyone I had seen. He was approximately 55 years old and was incredibly tight with money which was an endless source of amusement to the teenagers which worked there after hours. The truth was, Jules (sane) brother told me he had over 100K in the bank because he never spent a penny if he could help it!
Here are some 100% true examples of Jules stinginess.
- When his tennis shoes, which he bought at yard sales, wore out he would wrap them in duct tape until finally the shoes walked themselves to the dumpster.
- Jules drove a beatup old pickup, which he paid $150 for, that had three fifteen inch tires all around except for one 13" tire on the right front. These tires were ones he found at the junkyard and he would drive that poor truck in all lopsided because of that one tire. Julian would actually turn the motor off when entering the driveway and cost silently across the parking lot to the back and let the truck bump the curb to stop. So the teenagers had a game where they would try to get their cars in front of Jules truck..forcing him to restart the motor which made him mad.
- Jules tried to join the army at age 48, he wanted free room and board while getting PAID but
they told him he was too old which infuriated him.
- Jules replaced all the lightbulbs in his house with 30 watt bulbs which used less electricity.
His brother told me he took a flashlight with him when he visited Jules at his house.
- Jules ancient mother lived with him (Why waste money on a nursing home!?) and Jules tried
to convince her to let him get rid of the electricity in the house so he could put in a wood burning stove. She put her foot down and he would come into work ranting and raving about the electricity she wasted, why one month the bill was $28!!!!! She was wasting money!
- While I worked at this company, the accounting department couldn't figure out why the books
were off by about thirty thousand dollars. As it turned out, Jules had not cashed his paychecks
for quite a few months because he didn't want to waste so much gas driving to the bank! One of the accountants gave Jules two dollars for gas and Jules cashed his checks that day and the books balanced.
I could go on and on about the characters I have met. But tell me about yours!
the confessor(10/25/2007)
I've had people tell me that descriptions of one radio secretary had to at least partially made up...
Picture a 40-year-old woman with a disproportionally large butt swinging around in this odd dance, while flapping her hands in the air and making odd noises. This happened when she had pulled some stunt on an unsuspecting employee who was then confronting her. Hence her various names: Miss Buttock, Flappock, The Lyock, etc.
One manager once told me you could live your entire life without meeting someone like her.
SouthernProgrammer(10/25/2007)
>
Picture a 40-year-old woman with a disproportionally large butt swinging around in this odd dance, while flapping her hands in the air and making odd noises.
>
Actually that sounds hilarious!
the confessor(10/27/2007)
True...however, she was the owner's lover and spy and one of these episodes usually meant trouble for all (e.g. owner not speaking to you, bad or no annual review, messages not relayed, and so on). Very unfunny!
anonymous(10/27/2007)
Confessor; Your Miss Lyock left a lot of scars and injuries. True, you can live your live without ever meeting someone like her but this experience is a flashing warning light to others who want to listen. Makes one more wary in the future. Her kind must have inspired the lyrics to:
You can like the life you are living, you can live the life you like. You can even marry Harry and mess around with Ike.
anonymous(10/27/2007)
I met a combination of Miss Lying Buttocks & Jules (et Jim)some years ago. Picture a female scrooge with the morals of an ally cat and the behind of a hippo.
She never could turn down an extra meal. She insisted we feed her at office parties she scheduled. She also raided sack lunches.
She defrosted the office Thanksgiving Turkey in her bathtub and announced it loudly. Only a few brave souls would taste a thoroughly microwaved sliver and she could take the bird home.
She charged staff fund and petty cash full price and brought old substitutions. She even grabbed napkins from a fellow luncher.
Sometimes all kinds of stuff would disappear including a box of Christmas lights, decorations and posters.
After covering the motor with a plastic sheet, she rinsed her old Volkswagen in a rainstorm. Her misbegotten teenage kid swiped her car keys and burned motor parts during a joyride with friends. She had all her money tied up in certain funds and did not want to pay for repairs. She bicycled to work with pots, pans and groceries cooked in the lunch room kitchen to save electricity and water.
She was happy when her child found another home. Less money, less food.
We did have direct deposit. She could not have cashed a paycheck otherwise.
Her penny pinching ways were a source of endless amusement. These were some of her nicer traits. She never returned a favor, fearing it would discourage selfreliance and form bad habits. She networked and gossiped to her advantage only.
Saving all that money did not help her. She was forced into early retirement. Her heart gave out long before her time. Don't know what happened to all the money she saved.
~~And now I feel bad~~
the confessor(10/28/2007)
I later found out she had been sexually abused for years as a child and young woman, hence her sexual and antisocial behaviors. This illustrates the real cost of this abuse, not only to the victims, but to those they come into contact later. Being abused doesn't necessarily lead to this, but most times when you see this sort of behavior, there is abuse at it's root. See Bullyonline.org for much more...
HaveADamnNiceDay(11/07/2007)
The abused feel powerless. Hence, they know nothing else, and must abuse others to feel in control. Very sad....
Texas Sky(11/09/2007)
I can relate to this!
When I was young I worked at a movie theatre affiliated with a local shopping mall.
We started getting bomb threats almost every day which required stopping the film, clearing the theatre, giving patrons rain-check tickets, and rewinding and resetting the film projectors (no easy task back then.)
A police officer noticed that every time this happened we reported our security guard was on a break or at lunch or whatever. Thinking someone was watching to see when the guard left, he started monitoring things, and discovered that our "bomber" WAS our security guard.
He would take his break at the mall food court, borrow a phone, and call in the bomb threat, then rush over to "help" when the police arrived.
anonymous(01/19/2008)
I work for a large retail furniture company in the customer service department. Unfortunately not all our stores are free standing - some are in malls. In my store we are right under the Food Court which makes flies daily visitors (never mind the rodents!). I have one co-worker who is deathly, freakishly afraid of FLIES! I tell you, you cant make this mess up. Every time she sees one, she screams and freezes. Me and my other co-worker run around trying to either shoo it out of our area or killing it.She is to say the least.....different!
franko(03/26/2008)
Office Supplies are pretty boring, but what about organization, productivity, office humor and annoying your coworkers? http://blog.officenmore.com
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