There is always a lot of talk about forgiveness, and it often is presented as something that
is almost saintly, but really – forgiveness is for you – not for the person who hurt you.

Forgiveness is not about saying it is ok that someone did something bad. Forgiveness is about saying that you’re going to let go of the anger and bitterness because holding on to it is like drinking poison and hoping the other guy will die.  The person you hurt most when you hold on to anger and bitterness is yourself.

Misunderstanding of forgiveness:

Forgiveness condones – it says that what was done is ok.

Nope.  Forgiveness does not condone anything.  It only says that you will not let it go on stealing your life.  You will let go of it so that you can move on. Forgiveness is more about you than it is about the perpetrator.

Forgiveness means that you have to allow the perpetrator back in your life.

Nope.  You can "forgive" and let go of the anger while also creating appropriate boundaries in your life.  Forgiveness is letting go of past anger.  It does not mean that we allow ourselves to be set up again.  We learn from our mistakes.

Forgiveness means that we love the person who hurt us.

Nope again.  Forgiving is letting go of the anger so that we can move on in our own lives.  It is letting go of the hate that takes up space in our lives that keeps us from having room for joy and happiness. Indifference is just fine.  It is just fine to say "I forgive you, I do not hate you, but I also do not want you in my life."  If you can add "I wish you well." then that is a great extra – it really lets you let go, but it is not necessary as long as you can give up actively wishing bad things happen to the person who hurt you.  When you give that up you can go back to focusing on what makes you happy.

Many of the topics I bring up here are about making choices that let us have the best life we can.  What we focus on expands in our lives.  I’m in favor of expanding what gives joy and minimizing what gives pain. Please let me know what you think. 

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If you have ever thought about leaving your job and working for yourself, there is a great website that will give you a lot of encouragement to do just that. Be warned, he is a little strident in his views. Steve Pavlina had a job - once - and left it to work for himself. His site is full of postings that are insightful and funny. But one of my favorites is his

If you are tired of living in a corporate environment and want some thoughts on why you are right - it is NOT the best place to be - have a look at Steve's site. He explains why having a job is not the safest, most secure path. To quote Steve:

"In fact, if you're reasonably intelligent, getting a job is one of the worst things you can do to support yourself. There are far better ways to make a living than selling yourself into indentured servitude."

Of course working for yourself isn't for everyone. But if you've been thinking about it for years and need some resources and encouragement, his site if full of useful information.

Have a look at the site and let me know what you think. I am really interested in your reactions after reading it.

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A quick case in point.

One of my clients had a problem with someone at her job who was trying to get her fired.  He was talking about her with others, telling lies, trying to get everyone to dislike her.  It seemed to be working.  She was having trouble with quite a few of the people he’d been talking with.

I had the opportunity to see her at her work and noticed that when he was around she looked upset.  She wasn’t as warm and friendly as usual. She looked tired and didn’t smile very much.  A perfectly ordinary reaction, right?

I suggested that she stop giving away her power to him.  Ignore his behavior rather than react to him.  Treat everyone the way she did before he started his campaign against her.  Treat him as she did before too.  After a few weeks she came back to me and said that it worked, he was starting to treat her with respect.

The dynamic is rather interesting.  When she was reacting, looking upset and unfriendly the people around her were willing to accept the bully’s lies about her.  They could feel that something was wrong about her, and he was the one with an explanation, so they bought it.  They really didn’t think about it much, it was the easiest answer and they were taken in by it.  When she stopped reacting to him his words didn’t ring true to people.   They stopped listening to him and went back to treating her the way they used to. 

No, of course this won’t work every time.  Sometimes there is something much deeper going on.  But sometimes the solution can be simpler than we realize.  Maybe, just maybe, if someone is making you miserable, perhaps you are helping them.  Try to detach from the crazy bully’s behavior.  Remind yourself that there is something wrong with the bully, not with you. 

Let me know if it works for you.

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• What we think has a huge impact on what we have in our lives. If we think we can’t do something, then we make that true. Feeling defeated keeps us from trying. Believing in ourselves gives us the courage to try.


• A positive attitude brings us more happiness than a negative attitude. Worrying and obsessing about what is wrong in our lives makes us miserable. Focusing on what we do have, and feeling gratitude for all the good in our lives feels better.


• What we focus on gets larger in our lives. Whatever we are really paying attention to becomes our focus – we notice it more and see it around us more.

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Do you have people in your life who make you so angry that you just want to smack them, but you can’t?  Walk out of the room.

Walk out of the room?  I can’t do that – I can’t just walk away. 

Why not?

One definition of stress noted in the

There are some people who seem  to look for ways to make us angry.  Actually, sometimes that is exactly what is going on.  Some people thrive on making other people angry.  These people have toxic personalities and I have found the best way of dealing with them is to: 

• Walk out of the room.
• Refuse to play the game.
• Don’t give them any reaction at all. 

Don't play on their terms.  When you respond in kind you might get a momentary sense of satisfaction that you got angry back at them , but that gives them a hook to hang onto and keep punching.  Instead, try removing yourself from the conflict, both metaphorically and physically. 

Metaphorically - Take your anger and keep it to yourself for just a little bit (you'll release it later) and step outside yourself and the situation.  Look at the bully (people who try to manipulate you by pushing your buttons are bullies) with detatchment and distance.  Notice what a fool the bully really is.  How that behavior is just so very inappropriate.  Imagine that you are watching two other people on a T.V. screen.  How one person is trying to manipulate the other one.  Now, imagine what would happen if the person being bullied just didn't react.  Just looked at the bully calmly and didn't take the bait. 

Now the physical part.  Just walk away.  Leave the room.  If the attack was a demand for action on your part, and you must reply, say "I have to give that some thought.  I will get back to you tomorrow."  Don't confront bullies if it means that you are going to lose control and end up being manipulated by them. 

We often fall into a trap thinking that we have to react in the very moment when something happens.  We don’t.  We have the right to stop, exit the situation and think about our response.  When people make us angry they are trying to manipulate us.  People who do this generally have a lot of success in manipulating other people.  If you react in kind, you will probably lose.  People don’t usually use these tactics unless they are really good at them. 

The steps to take are:

1. Don’t react.  If you feel the anger building just say “I’ll get back to you tomorrow (or this afternoon, or next week, or whatever is appropriate).”
   
2. Turn and leave.  If leaving the room isn’t practical or possible, just change your focus; go back to what you were doing before the attack.   
   
3. When you have the chance, blow off some steam.  Tell your spouse (or best friend, or even your dog) what a complete and total idiot you have to deal with. Vent.  Say what you’d really like to say.  Scream and yell if that’ll help.
   
4. Think about what outcome you’d really prefer.  You do not have to accept the premise you were given.  
   
5. Decide what you actually want to say to get the outcome you want.  If that doesn’t come easily, imagine someone you admire and think what that person would say or do.
   
6. Calmly, and in complete control of yourself and the situation, go and say what you really want to say. 

This may not be the solution every time, but it is one to consider.  It might just work.

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Do you have people talking you into doing things you really didn't feel like doing? 

Do you find yourself getting talked into going to events you didn't want to attend?  Many of us find ourselves stuck saying "yes" when we really wanted to say "no".  Are any of these familiar to you?

• You worked the weekend again because everyone else had something more important to do, so you were stuck being the one with the poorest excuse.
• You really wanted to stay home but there you were spending money on an event you weren't even interested in attending.
• You went to a party where you didn't actually like the people, and sat around bored, wondering when you could finally leave.

The answer is both simple and complex.  The simple part is to just say "no".  The hard part is to just say "no".  Where we usually get in trouble is in giving too much information.  It usually goes something like this:

The boss:  "Terry, I need someone to work this weekend, can you do it?"
Terry: "But I worked the last two weekends."
The boss: "I know, but Joe is going on a fishing trip this weekend and Julie is taking her kids to the circus. What do you have planned?"
Terry:  "I was going to sleep late and catch up on some reading."
The boss: "Well, you can do that anytime.  It would be harder for Joe or Julie to rearrange their plans."
Now you feel like you have no argument.  You have to do it.  You are stuck.  Again.

Or

Your friend: "Terry, I really want to go see the

The problem in the "no" was in giving too much information.  Don't make excuses. There is something about telling people the "why" that hooks them in and makes them think that it is ok to judge our reasons.  If we do not give them the hook, if there is nothing for them to grab onto, it is harder for them to judge us and easier for them to accept our answers.  Try these responses instead:

• "I am not available." 
• "I hope you have a good time without me." 
• "It was kind of you to ask me, but I am just not available." 

Most of the time, when we set clear boundaries people respect them. We expect people to get angry, but if we are clear and calm they tend to accept our responses. It may seem an odd thing, and may seem counter intuitive, but usually when we answer the question simply and directly people will accept our responses. 

Let's go through those scenarios again with different responses.  Remember, it is important to stay calm. Don't respond with emotion.  You are stating simple facts.  Don't be angry or defensive, just clear and calm.

The boss:  "Terry, I need someone to work this weekend, can you do it?"
Terry: "No. I am not available."
The boss: "But Joe is going on a fishing trip this weekend and Julie is taking her kids to the circus. What did you have planned?"
Terry:  "I am not available."
The boss: "It would be hard for Joe and Julie to rearrange their plans. Can you change your plans?"
Terry:  "No, I can not."
You do not have to explain why.  It is intrusive and unprofessional for a boss to press you on your reasons. 

Or

Your friend: "Terry, I really want to go see the Lipizzaner Horse Show this weekend, will you come with me?"
Terry: "No, but thanks for asking."
Your friend: "Oh, come on, the show is only here this weekend. It'll be great. I'll pick you up at 6:00 am so that we can have time to walk around the stables before the show.  I could spend all day just looking at them.  It'll be so much fun!"
Terry: "No thanks.  I hope you have a great time."
Most people will give up at this point, they will get the message and move on. 

If you are dealing with someone who just won't take no for an answer, use the simplest response you can.  For instance just answer with "I'd rather not discuss that." If you repeat the same answer a couple of times, most people will catch on and stop asking.  For those stubborn few, just change the subject or walk away.

Setting boundaries takes some practice.  The first few times may be difficult, but with practice you'll find that just saying no is easier than making excuses.  You have a right to make your own decisions about how to spend your time.  Go, enjoy your new found freedom.  Do what you really want to do!

Ah, sweet freedom. 

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Feeling kind of blue?  You are definitely not alone.  In the Northern Hemisphere that is very common at this time of year. 

The blues can range from something that is a problem that may need to be treated by a doctor to just not feeling energized.  For instance, according to

SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a type of winter depression that affects an estimated half a million people every winter between September and April; in particular during December, January and February.

Their site notes that they usually get around 1,000 requests for information about SAD every week during the winter.  If you think you may be suffering from this disorder, please, follow up with your physician.  Click to see the

However, for many of us, it is just that the holidays are over and the decorations are down and it all just seems gray.  The sky seems gray.  If you live in an urban area and it has snowed, the snow is gray.  There doesn't seem to be all that much to look forward to during January.

So I'll bet you are expecting a big old pep talk from me now.

Hmmmm…

Well that is one approach.  January can be a great time to get off your duff and start that job search.  But, if you just don't feel like it, I say – give yourself a break.  After all, back before electricity society was mostly rural and winter was a time of staying indoors as much as possible; sleeping a lot, going to bed early, just plain laying low.  It might just be in our genes to pseudo-hibernate during winter. 

So… how about embracing the blues?  Here are a few ideas:

• Watch the movies you never got around to seeing in 2006.  Get into the mood.  How about curling up on the couch with a warm cup of grog:

Grog
1 shot rum
1 teaspoon sugar (preferably superfine)
Squeeze of lime juice
Cinnamon stick
Boiling water
Stir all ingredients, adding enough boiling water to fill mug or glass.
________________________________________
Copyright © 1997 - electronic Gourmet Guide, Inc. All rights reserved.

(Or a mug of hot chocolate, a bottle of beer, a glass of wine – whatever does it for you.)

• And how about books?  As it happens, I never really got the summer reading thing for grown ups – in summer I want to be out doing stuff.  I always thought it made more sense to have winter reading lists.  It is cold and dark out,  so being outside isn't all that enticing. How about getting a stack of books and finding a cozy spot to lay low for a while.  This is a good time of year to visit your local public library - free books and, at some libraries, free (or very cheap) movie rentals.
  
• Spend some quality time with your good friend the Internet.  Surf.  Play some games. Read some blogs.

Everyone needs some downtime.  Winter (especially January) is a good time to take it easy for a while.  Embrace the inner black bear or inner hedgehog  and go into partial hibernation.  Be kind to yourself.  A little cocooning may be just the thing to get you through January. 

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Your job is sucking the joy out of your life.  That's the worst part, how it affects the rest of your life, even when you are not at work.  How about adding some joy back in?

It is very easy to get trapped into letting your job consume your life.  After all, you have to give it plenty of attention and there is always so much left to do.

The more we focus on something, the bigger it becomes in our lives.  Part 1:
If we give all our focus to our jobs, pretty soon there will be nothing left in our lives but our jobs.  Especially if we are not particularly happy in our jobs they can seem to throw a mist of misery on everything else.  Do you have any of these symptoms? 

• You find yourself getting depressed on Sunday evening because you know that it will be Monday morning way too soon.
  
• You come home in the evening and don’t have the energy to do anything but watch T.V.
  
• You can’t remember the last time you had a really good time.

The more we focus on something, the bigger it becomes in our lives.  Part 2:
Focus on things you love to do and they become bigger in your life.  The more you do them the more time you will find to do them.  Start small if you must, but start doing the things that make you happy, even if it is just for a little while each day.

Most of us know about lots of fun things in our own cities, but only take advantage of them when someone comes to visit from out of town.  Here is what to do:

1. Make a list of the places you would love to see and the things you would love to do.
   
2. Put the list in order with the most interesting ones on top.
   
3. Open your personal calendar and schedule one a week until you have scheduled them all.
   
4. Keep to the schedule. Make it happen.

Do you have hobbies you never seem to get time for?  If not, have a look at some suggestions at

1. Pick one night of the week and make it your “hobby” night.  If the thought of a whole evening is overwhelming, just pick one hour on one night per week.
   
2. The first week spend the time getting everything together.  Take an inventory of what you have and what you need to complete the project.
   
3. The second week go out and buy the items you need to finish the project.
   
4. Each week after that work on the project and have fun with it.
   
5. Don’t make it a chore.  Play with it.  Have fun.  It doesn’t matter if you complete the project – just if you are having fun.

Do things that you think are fun, even if you think they are silly. Here are some suggestions to get you started: 

1. Turn on your favorite music and sing and/or dance in your living room.  If no one is listening/watching what does it matter if you look silly?  And even if they are – hey you live there – you’re allowed!
   
2. Do something you liked doing as a kid.  Go out and build a snowman.  Put on your old roller-blades.
   
3. Do anything that makes you laugh.  

As you spend time on each of these new activities you will find yourself looking forward to them.  Work will become a smaller piece of your life and the things you love to do will become a bigger piece.  Welcome the joys of your life back in.  Have some fun.  Go!  Get started now! 

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My name is Rita Carroll and I am a Life Coach.  It is the most wonderful of professions.  I have the honor of working as a partner with people every day, helping them to live the lives they really want.  Guiding others to discover what gives them real joy, finding ways to incorporate joy into their lives every day is exciting and rewarding beyond belief.

This is something I have been doing all my life without knowing that it had a name and was a profession.  I was previously employed in the corporate world as a computer programmer.  That was fine during the years when my daughters were young, after all, it generated a good income and let me focus my energy on my family.  But even when employed as a programmer, I spent much of my time as an unofficial life coach, helping my co-workers and friends with their problems and issues.  Encouraging and helping them to see their strengths, supporting them in choosing paths that were based on their own truths was the best part of my day.  Over the years I became more and more drawn to working with people on discovering what they really wanted in their lives and less and less interested in writing computer software.  People are vastly more interesting than computers.

I am currently enrolled in the CPCP (Certified Professional Coach Program) at ICA (International Coach Academy), working on obtaining my certification.  I strongly believe in Life Coaching and what it can do for people.  Our society has become so disconnected.  We are lucky if we live near even a few of our relatives.  But even with a large family or many friends, we often have trouble discussing what we truly want out of life with the people closest to us.  We fear their dismissal of our thoughts, we feel we will be judged lacking in some way.  We are afraid of hurting their feelings.  We don’t want to share something that, perhaps, we are not completely sure of.  We want a sounding board and someone to really hear us.  A Life Coach has no hidden agenda.  No preconceived expectations or stake in specific outcomes.  I love this job.  I can listen to people - really listen.  Helping people to make positive changes in their lives, to experience more joy and satisfaction, to discover their true paths…  what could possibly be better than that?

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Your job was outsourced (or downsized,  or some other corporate word for ‘you don’t work here anymore’) and your interviews for new jobs haven’t been going well. Now what?

Hmmm. Let’s see how this might have gone.  You get to the interview and they ask you why you’re looking for a new job.  The guy you’re talking to seems ok, so you figure you’ll tell him the real deal.  Let him know what idiots you were dealing with.  What a bunch of morons were running the place.  How they don’t know their assess from holes in the ground.  You tell them why outsourcing is a disaster and could never actually work.

You go on like this for a few minutes, really getting into it.  It feels great to tell somebody with a brain what you’ve been thinking for a while now.

Did the interview go well?  Probably not.  Let’s take a look at why:
Maybe ‘cause they saw all that anger pouring out on their nice clean carpet and thought “Wow all this guy can talk about is his last job and how bad it was.  I really don’t want to buy a piece of this.   I don’t need this kind of attitude on my team.”

Let’s examine what went wrong: When you went on that interview, how did you prepare for it?  Did you say to yourself  “I’m just going to be myself.  They have to take me as I am.  If I have to kiss ass to get a job, I don’t want it anyway.” 

You have a right to be angry.  Hey, you have a right to be a jerk if you want to, but not too many people are going to be impressed with that and want to hire you.

They are looking for someone to supply a set of skills that match their business needs, and to hire the best fit they can find for those needs. 

So how can you be honest about what happened to you but make a positive impression?

1. Be upfront without providing too many details or opinions.

It is fine to mention that your job was outsourced.  Outsourcing is a very acceptable reason to be looking for work.  But keep it short and sweet.  Your previous company decided to outsource their workforce, so you are looking for a new position.  It’s as simple as that.

2. Knock their socks off by being prepared.
 
Brush up on the current key words and really know your stuff.  Think of some questions to ask them.  Why?  It looks good to a potential employer – and more importantly – you really want to know if this is a job you actually want.  Find out about the type of work they want done, ask about the corporate culture they have.  Find out if you’ll be working in a team or on your own.  Ask about the projects that are coming up.  The best way to interest others is to be interested in them.  Ask smart, well thought out questions. 

3. Practice the interview with someone before you go.

It may feel silly at first, but practicing with someone before the interview can really help you to show your skills in the best light.  The more prepared you are the more professional and attractive you appear as a potential employee.

Maybe you’ll get the job, maybe not.  If you get the job, great, but if you don’t, don’t get discouraged.  It isn’t sour grapes to think that it probably wasn’t the right job for you anyway, because it probably wasn’t.  Look at it as practice.  Each interview you go on helps you to get better at the skill of interviewing. Keep trying. The right one is out there – and waiting for you!

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A Little Help to Live the Life You Really Want  Note: All links are safe for work unless otherwise noted. What do you mean I should forgive the jerk? Why should I? by Rita the Life Coach Jun 02, 2007 Tags: Forgive

Rita the Life Coach RSS Feed My Links: Archives Most Recent Entries » All Posts by Tag » Months: June 2007 April 2007 March 2007 February 2007 January 2007 December 2006 Recent Entries: What do you mean I should forgive the jerk? Why should I? » Are You Sick of the Corporate World? There Are Alternatives. » Dealing With Bullies – One possible approach » “The Secret” Life altering or hyperbole? » Do you have people in your life who make you so angry that you just want to smack them, but you can’t? Walk out of th » Do You Find Yourself Agreeing to Do Things You Really Do Not Want To Do? How to Just Say "No". » January Blues - What to do, What to do... » Your job is sucking the joy out of your life. How about adding some joy back in? » Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself » Your Job's Been Eliminated and Your Interviews Aren't Going Well. Now What? » All Bloggers & Columnists JobSchmob Blogger Professional Confessional Life Coach in Your Corner The Southern View Everything You Know Is Wrong A Different Point of View Ask Alotta About Me:

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