The Southern View

The confessors posts about Xmas parties made me start thinking about seasons past which made me start thinking about previous Xmas jobs I have held.

IMO - Salesclerks have the toughest job of all, you are on your feet all day and must keep a grin plastered on your face no matter what.

(Many) Years ago, I worked for a local department store as a sales clerk in the electronics section.   I worked the night shift which was quite interesting.  Maybe it's just the South but I am convinced the crazy people come out at night and they ALL seemed to come to this one store where I worked at.

For instance, one evening this gentleman who was all of five feet tall came strutting up to the counter where I was working and asked to see some of the smallest cassette recorders we had.    So I went through the display case and picked out a few micro-recorders and explained
their differences to my prospective customer.   The customer then asked to put batteries in the smallest unit, once I had the batteries in the unit he slapped his wallet down and said "This proves I'm not trying to steal from you!" and then proceeded to shove the tape recorder down the front of his pants!

I stood in shocked silence and asked "What in the world are you doing!?"  My customer replied "I'm getting a divorce from my wife and am trying to catch her in some lies!  So I want to see if the recorder will work while hidden!   Keep talking!"  I was so shocked and could only
imagine this man walking around with a tape recorder in his crotch trying to insure his pelvis was pointed at his wife while she talked that I stammered "How tall IS your wife?"  

A few weeks later a well dressed woman came to my area along with an elderly gentleman who had a very impressive nose.  The elderly man bellowed out "Whare are yur razors at!?"   With a pained expression, the woman said "My father would like to look at your electric shavers"

I directed my customers over to the razor display area and the elderly man again bellowed "I wants one that doesn't need no cord on it!"   Again, the well dressed woman spoke up and said "Do you have any cordless units?"

Obviously the well dressed woman came along to translate for her father...

I picked out a nice Braun shaver and a Norelco.   Faster than I would have imagined, the ederly man picked up the Norelco unit and flicked it on.   The unit powered up because we kept charged units on display as customers generally like to test them on their faces, I am not sure if a customer could do that these days but at that time we allowed them to.    However, to my horror the elderly man used his other hand to push his nose up and shoved the poor little Norelco right inside of his huge nostrils.   His daughter gasped and covered her face with one gloved hand as the little Norelco began grinding away at nose hairs and...other debris that it located.   I thought I heard a small
metallic scream being emitted from inside that impressive probiscus.

I also began thinking of some interesting Norelco commercials involving large nosed men shaving the inside of their nostrils on national TV.

NORELCO!  It goes where no other razor DARES to go!

After the gentleman finished destroying the razor and what little dignity he had left he wrinkled his nose, sniffed and said I'll take that model!  I replied to him while looking at his daughter and said "Ok, but I will HAVE to sell you this one!"   I was thinking (but didn't add) "Because  no-one else is going to want to shave with it after you used it to cut your boogers!"

He replied "I AIN'T BUYING NO USED RAZOR!  AIN'T NO TELLING WHERE THAT THINGS BEEN!"   I could only imagine where in the world did he think that this razor could have been that would have been worse than his nose!    Maybe the guy who was looking at the tape recorders had come by
to look at razors also?  Nah!

His daughter tugged on his arm and said "Dad, you NEED to buy that one now!"   Again, he replied "I AIN'T GONNA DO IT!"

While looking at his daughter, I told him "Ok, but I need to take it into the back to insure I get the right model!"  I went into the back and found a new unit in a box, I unpacked it and put the "Nose Hair Special" into the box and repackaged it.   I handed it to the elderly gentleman who took it with a triumpant grin and stomped to the front to pay for it.
 
Not all of the customers were bad, one evening I had a prim and proper "Southern Lady" approach me with an answering machine she had picked out.  She asked me would I mind showing her how to record an outgoing message on it.   I told her ok and hooked the unit up.  I then asked what her
name was and she replied "Mary".   I honestly don't know what was going through my head, but using my best radio voice I recorded "Mary is BUSY right now and cannot make it to the phone, leave a message and she will call you back....LATER".  I then replayed the message and looked at my customer who was standing there with bug eyes. 

I knew I was going to be fired.  

Suddenly her face displayed a mischevious grin and she said "I'll TAKE IT! But don't you DARE erase that message!"   I rang up the purchase and she left with a huge grin on her face.

Sometimes I would get odd phone calls.   One night I heard a page over the intercom system asking me to pick up on line one.   Here is how the conversation went.

SP: Electronics!  [SP] here, can I help you?

Ladies Voice:  Yes sir, I was in your store about three years ago looking at that little eight track player up front, do you remember me?

Now, I was CONVINCED that this was one of my friends playing a joke so I decided to play along.

SP:  Oh yes!  I remember you, how are you doing?!?

Ladies Voice (delighted):  Good! Good!  I made up my mind to buy that unit, do you still have it!?

To my astonishment...I realized that this was no joke!  The woman on the other side was obviously sliding into dementia but was dead serious!  The only thing I could do was play along in her little world and try not to hurt her feelings.

SP:  Oh no, I hate to tell you that I just sold the last unit yesterday.

Ladies Voice (disappointed):  Oh dear, do you have any more of those eight tracks units?

SP:  No, they sold very well but for some reason the manufacturer decided to quit making them, something about using cassette tapes now.

Ladies Voice:  Do you think you could ask them to make just one more for me? 

SP:  I tried doing that in case you came back but they said they just didn't have the parts anymore.  I'm sorry!

Ladies Voice:  Oh dear, well do you remember my sister who came with me that day?

SP: Yes I do, how's she doing?

Ladies Voice (Delighted):  She's doing good!   She had a rough spell with her hip but seems to be doing better.  Do you remember
that green toaster she was looking at that was on sale?

SP: Of course!

Ladies Voice:  Is it still on sale?

SP: Oh no!

Ladies Voice:  What?

SP: You're not going to believe it, that sale ended also...