After Hours

If any of you read Computerworld you may see this story in their 'shark tank' column.   The story was submitted by me, I occaisionally write stories for Computerworld and other publications under various names.   This one was so good I thought I would recycle it here.

A few years back the manager of a Purchasing group approached me about designing a custom web page for his department.    I was in the middle of a large project so I told him we could not possibly get to it for a month.   The manager became Irate and began sputtering that we (my IT group) never supported him very well (lie) and he would just hire his OWN Computer person.

He stormed off and I thought nothing of it until he introduced me to a girl he had hired to be his IT person.    She was average height with a bad acne problem, and was what I call a "kneejerk laugher".   A "kneejerk laugher" laughs at every other sentence, usually because they are nervous which always puts me on the alert.

 The manager grinned and said "Meet 'Jane', she has worked for IBM and Compaq, she speaks seven languages and has 15 years of experience!  I bet you wish you had her for your department!"

 Immediately my BS detector began flashing, first of all if someone had worked for IBM and Compaq, why in the world would they be at THIS company (not knocking my company but COME ON) and 15 years of experience would be rather remarkable based on this girls age (I estimated her to be in her early 30's).

 The manager left and so I began talking to Jane.  

 SP: So you speak seven languages huh?  That will be helpful as we have offices in the Southwest.

Jane: Oh yes, I am FLUENT in Spanish.

SP:  Si?  Tu Habla Espanol?  Bueno!  Mi Hablan un poquito pero mi practica dia per dia.

(Roughly translated, I asked her if it was true she spoke Spanish.  I speak a little but try to practice every day)

 Jane:  I really don't feel comfortable speaking other languages around (gesturing) english speakers as it seems so pretentious!

 BS Alarm:  Warning! Warning! Poser! Poser!

SP: Ah...ok,  so you worked for IBM and Compaq?

Jane: Oh yes, I designed their order forms you see on the web sites.

SP: Could you show me the code?  I would like to see how you handled some issues we are having problems with.

Jane (grinning and shaking head): No, No, I can't do that...client confidentiality and all that!  Well excuse me, I need to go!

Again, my BS alarm started going off.    For the next few days Jane simply walked around the office holding a coffee cup, attended meetings and ridiculed my PC techs.   During meetings she would simply look bored and throw out computer jargon while her manager would grin and say "Isn't she something?  Wow!  We sure need her!".   If my computer techs were helping a user Jane would sidle by and say "Been there done that!  That's how I fixed the problem also!"  or "We should switch to Macs!  They don't have problems" and then walk off.

 Within a week, Jane had somehow convinced her manager to give her an office and that's when my suspicions grew.   Network traffic increased and I had one of my techs sniff the network and we found IM traffic had grown and it was all coming out of "The geniuses" office.   We could not find any evidence of work, only IM traffic.

 The final straw was when I came into the lab one day and found an intern feverishly working on an Excel Spreadsheet.  I asked him what he was doing and he said Jane had a problem with a spreadsheet and wanted him to add Macros.   I laughed to myself "The genius needed help" and dismissed the issue.   Later that day,  I walked past Janes managers office and saw her leaning over his shoulder and telling him how she had added Macros to his spreadsheet to fix some problems.    I then realized we had a con artist in our midst.

I knew the manager would never believe me,  I also could not prove my suspicions.   So I called for a meeting with the manager and Jane.   I informed them our work load had decreased and we had setup a server for Jane to put her web page on.   I then said I would be happy to test her code and perhaps I could learn something!   We could start the following Monday.   Her manager beamed and thanked me while Jane grew redder and redder.

To his surprise, but not mine, Jane resigned the next day for a 'gig with a HUGE company' that she couldn't name due to the nature of the work.   She left before lunch.

The next week, she sent an email to the intern asking him if he wanted to meet for drinks sometime and would he mind looking over the spreadsheet she attached....

 He wisely deleted it...