Your boss won't remember your name in 20 years—your kids will!
Jan 05, 2009
Doctors, Advisors, and Christmas
by Southern Programmer
Tags:
Well,
Here we all are in 2009! I am sitting at work after two weeks off and everyone is anxious, it seems to me that no-one wants to make a decision on anything until after President Elect Obama has been sworn in and the effects of his policies are known.
During the two weeks I was off, I noticed that not many people had put Christmas lights up. It seemed to me that everyone was in a state of depression and was ready to shed 2008 like a 70's plaid jacket from the Herb Tarlek collection (points if you know that reference).
My two weeks wound up being a bit boring yet relaxing. My wife and I had planned to take our youngest daughter and youngest son to Washington but those plans got changed.
On the first day of vacation I went to the gym to stretch and play racquetball. I had planned to stretch a lot as I had noticed my legs had been getting stiffer and stiffer during November, I was even having problems getting into my car as my legs just would not bend correctly. I had planned to play racquetball to help shed some weight as I was noticing it was harder to button my pants and my socks were leaving a 'ring' around my calves when I took them off and my face was swollen.
So I stretched and then played one of the worst racquetball games I had ever played in my life, I couldn't run! I was trying to 'will' my legs to run and I just couldn't move! My racquetball partner kept asking "Are you ok?" and I would reply "I'm having an off day"
When I got home I felt as if I couldn't catch my breath so I went to see "The Witch Doctor", this is my term for my Doctor who has an MD degree but left regular practice years ago to go into 'holistic' medicine.
When he saw me he listened to my heart and his face went white. "You are not far from a heart attack!" he exclaimed as he had me listen to my heart.
My heart was not giving a normal beat but was sounding more like a drum solo from a Louis Prima song.
My Doctor explained to me that my heart was surrounded by fluid which was also pooled in my legs, face and abdominal area and this was all related to the infamous 'tuna' incident from a few weeks back.
He left the room and came back in a few minues with a cup full of a mixture of lemon juice and cayan pepper and ordered me to drink it. It was the nastiest thing I had ever had but it calmed my heart. He then had me lay on the table and began doing 'percussions' on my back.
Percussion means 'beat the patient' in Doctor talk. He pounded on my back to break up the fluid and then held my calves and explained that the soreness in my legs was due to oxygen deprevation which happened because my heart was not working as it should. He then began massaging my legs while I tried to crawl out of the room to get away from this maniac who seemed to be trying to seperate my calf muscle from my bone.
I promise you, this procedure hurt so much I was ready to give him my bank account number and password if he would just let go of my leg!
After an hour of being beaten and tortured, we listened to my heart and it was back to a normal rhythm. I was told to drink cranberry juice along with the lemon/cayan mixture until the next day and then to return for....round two!
I did as I was told and I spent the night getting up to get rid of the cranberry juice. The next morning I was shocked as I found my pants were loose and my face was not swollen. When I reported in to my Doctor I told him what I noticed and he told me he estimated I had over 20 lbs of fluid locked up and 10 lbs were in each leg.
More torture and I was given instructions to only walk on the treadmill for a week and then I could do racquetball but stay away from weights as my heart got stronger.
Needless to say, this ruined our trip plans as my Doctor did not want me sitting in a car for hours.
------------------------
That afternoon my oldest girl needed to meet her swimming trainer at my local gym, my daughter is gearing up for a competition and has been training hard.
So, I decided this would be a good time to get some treadmill work in. I put on my exercise clothes, got my keys, my cell phone, water, towel, wierdness magnet and off
we went to the gym.
When we arrived my daughter headed for the pool while I went to the cardio room to walk on the treadmill and watch the news on the tv's they have mounted on the wall.
When I arrived I took a treadmill next to a man who seemed to be limping on the field, he looked at me and gave a wierd grin and said "Hey!"
The wierdness magnet began burning a hole in my pocket.
"Hey!" I replied.
"You know, some guy was yelling at me in the locker room earlier and I don't know why!", my new best friend told me in a loud voice.
"Oh really, that's too bad!" I replied as I watched the man on the other side of my buddy move to a newly empty treadmill.
"Yeah! I don't know why he did this unless he doesn't like Obama because I told him I sent an email to Obama telling him what he should do because, you know, he TOLD us to send him an email and I did just that telling him how he could fix the economy!".
"Oh?", I said nervously as I began to realize my new friend was a few fries short of a happy meal.
"Oh yeah! and he called me to thank me for my suggestions and you know I voted for him because I don't pick no losers! I just sent him an email!"
For the next 10 minutes, my walking buddy repeated the same story and kept moving closer and closer to me so I finally told him I needed to go and went downstairs to walk on the indoor jogging track. I hated I could not see the news but this man was making me nervous. I tried tossing the wierdness magnet in a trash can but it kept rolling out and following me down the track.
After a few laps, I saw my racquetball partner talking to someone. After our match my partner had called to check on me as he was concerned about my performance and
I decided to update him. As I approached my partner the person he was talking to turned around and it was my treadmill buddy!
As I approached, 'Buddy' said "Oh I wish I was that guy!" as he pointed to me. My RB partner looked at me puzzled and said "Oh?"
"Oh yeah!", Buddy continued, "He has a BIG house with a wide screen tv and works for the secret service! I know that because I SEEN the earphone piece coming from his ear!"
All this was completely odd to me as I had never mentioned my house or TV (I don't even on a wide screen) nor had I put an earphone of ANY type in my ear that day so I had NO idea where this was coming from.
"Yeah!", Buddy said while staring at me, "I seen this guy on David Letterman talking about protecting President Obama and all the adventures he has! He leads a great life!"
At that, Buddy turned and strolled off leaving my RB partner and I thoroughly confused.
President Obama, if you are missing one of your advisors, I can tell you where I saw him last!
SouthernProgrammer(01/06/2009)
To take the cayenne pepper you squeeze half a lemon into a cup and sprinkle cayenne pepper. It helps release fluid and it works!
I went for a followup with a specialist yesterday that I see for thyroid issues (genetic problem) and found out that my prescription was wrong and I was taking 2 times the dose of a drug that caused all of my problems. Fortunately no long term damage was caused but it explains why I had the heart issue, swelling and insomnia.
HaveADamnNiceDay(01/08/2009)
Does it help with insomnia by itself? I often suffer from that!
SouthernProgrammer(01/09/2009)
HAD - I had insomnia which turned out to be a symptom of a thyroid issue....
(01/09/2009)
HaveADamnNiceDay(01/09/2009)
Aw Phooey. I have been tested for thyroid issues and have come up negative (hyperactive, since my dad had that).
I suppose I'll have to turn to something like Transcendental Meditation to get my brain turned off enough to go to sleep. Lately I've been ok, but once an issue pops up somewhere, like at work for instance--I lay awake and turn it over and over in my mind!
Maybe if I have my husband sneak up on me and hit me on the head... ^_^
HaveADamnNiceDay(01/09/2009)
BTW, SP, what "tuna incident" was this? Maybe I haven't been paying attention...?
SouthernProgrammer(01/09/2009)
HAD - This will explain
"The Tuna Incident"
I too have occaisional insomnia, fortunately I have a couch that seems to always put me to sleep. I will never get rid of it!
HaveADamnNiceDay(01/09/2009)
Oh, THAT tuna incident! I remember now! You poor guy!
I wonder how tuna would do that...?
You might have just had the misfortune of eating a contaminated packet. It's a good thing your body responded so quickly.
You know, I sometimes wonder if you don't live up here in MD. I wonder if those moving shadows in the peripherae of my vision aren't other people--I have a couch that does the same thing. I fall asleep on it all the time. Usually around midnight I'll rouse myself about midnight (and nudge my husband who falls asleep on the floor) and then head to bed. It's really a horrible sleep habit, but I just can't seem to break it.
JobSchmobber Community Comments
HidingFromBoss (01/06/2009)
You are lucky that guy didn't have a weapon....
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