The Southern View

When you get to be my age, you find more and more that you start getting into routines.   Part of my routine in the morning is to fill up a large container of caffeine before hitting the road to work.   This wouldn't be so bad except right when I get to work, I fill the urge to empty my bladder.

 Lately, I have become convinced that the mad dictators that run my company have hired a bathroom monitoring agency to see which restroom I am headed towards.   When they have computed my route they then close the restroom to clean it in order to stop me from using it.   In a nutshell, I think they are wanting me to wet my pants.

 I am convinced this is what happened this morning.

 07/02/07 - 7:00AM

Security:  Attention Bathroom Monitor, SP has just entered the parking lot.  You know where he will head first!

 Bathroom Monitor: Roger that, he has been trying to trick us lately but I have THREE cleaning crews with cleaning carts rolling the hallways, we should get him!

Security: Roger!

 Bathroom Monitor: Alpha crew - He is coming in the building and will be making a left turn at the first hallway, prepare to block that restroom...OH NO!  HE MADE A RIGHT TURN!  BETA CREW! RED ALERT!  THE EAGLE HAS LANDED AND THE FAT MAN IS HEADING DOWN THE HALL!

Beta Crew: I see him, he has picked up the pace but I have already blocked the entrance.  He just glared at me and turned around.   Get ready Alpha he is coming back your way.

Bathroom Monitor:  Good work Beta!  There will be a bonus in your paycheck this week, get ready Alpha.

 Alpha:  I see him, he is starting to run but I am turning.....OH NO!  HE IS THROWING HIS BRIEFCASE AT ME AND HAS JUST JUMPED THE CART!  Attempting to throw <grunt> Ok! Ok!  I just managed to throw the 'closed restroom' into the doorway!  He is yelling and just ran back past me!
He is heading towards back hallway!  Repeat Back hallway!

 Bathroom Monitor:  TEAM CHARLEY COME IN!  DO YOU COPY!? OVER!

Charley:  I got him but...Holy Cow he just ran past me full speed and is spraying tear gas!
Wait a minute...I don't think that's tear gas but it is making my eyes water!  Arrgghhhh!
Tell....my.....family.....I.....love...them <thunk>

Bathroom Monitor:   @#@~!  We lost one, SP made it to the back hallway restroom, gather Charley and lets regroup for the 11:00 pee run.

 --- Back to our regular scheduled blog ----

 This weekend, Ms SP (SP stands for Sweetie Pie in her case) took me and one of the Grandkids for a haircut.    She took me to a small strip mall which has two local merchants she loves to visit.   The first merchant (I guess you would call him a merchant) runs a hair salon and has been in the same spot for nearly 30 years!   The owner (Rajh) is from Lebanon and has stayed in this same spot and has managed to put away enough money to send three family members through medical school as well as finance a house he owns and houses for two brothers.   As he cut the grandkids hair his phone ring.

"XCuze Me!" Rajh said in his wonderful thick accent.   He then obviously began talking to his wife or a family member because the conversation sounded like this.

"Ah kah lecka moonisho,  to itchy noissa na,  no icky do reza toooo itsy bitsy spider ILikeaShrek!"

My grandsons eyes opened wide as he smiled at the sounds of this mans native language which sounded like a wonderful melodic song.   Rajh came back and finished and did such a good job on his hair that I asked for a hair cut also.   What was wonderful was there was no waiting and he did a good job on my poor hair and I plan to go back.

 We then went to meet up with Ms SP at a store which did clothing repair and alterations.  That is where the fun began!

I opened the door and saw a heavyset Bear of a man with a sad face that reminded me of a St Bernard.   Next to him was an attractive woman who appeared to be Russian and was fitting my wife with a dress that had to be repaired due to a mishap with a nail.

 "How can I helpz you?" growled the big bear

I smiled and said "I'm with her" and pointed to my wife, at this the big bears face lit up into a smile and he said "Oh? You with [Ms SP]?  She is such a fine lady!  And this is your little one?  Would you like some candy?"  and at this he looked around as if to check to see if his wife was watching and he pulled out a tin of candy from under a counter which my Grandson eagerly ran to get a piece.

 The big bear then asked me if I knew anyone from the local University.   The moment he did this his wife turned and began firing Russian at him in a tone every husband has heard.  The poor man was being chastised for some reason.   The big bear signed and fired back some Russian and then turned back to me.

"Years ago, a international student from the university comes to get his pants fixed.  I tell him the pants are not worth repairing as it would cost twenty dollar!  He tell me he want the pants fixed so I fix the pants and he never come back!  I only know his name is name is (it sounded like Esmond), I dial phone number he give me and they tell me Esmond move.   I find out he is from Saudi Arabia so I call embassy and tell them that I have Esmonds pants and he needs to get them and pay me my twenty dollars!

I interrupted:  Wait wait...you called the embassy?

Big bear (looking at me as if I was stupid to ask such a question): Yes!  I have his pants and he owes me money!

At this point, I am working hard to keep a straight face as I can just picture this man rifling through the phone book to get the number of the embassy and yelling at someone "I have his pants"
Naturally I then began thinking of a possible international incident where a war is declared over a pair of pants...

 The bear then tells me if I know anyone at the University who can help him, he still has Esmonds pants and he is owed twenty dollars.  I dutifuly pulled out a small notebook and made some notations to make him realize I was listening.

 So Edmond, if you are out there wandering around in your underwear.   Your pants are still at the tailors and if you drop me a line I can hook you up with them.