Posted on 11/06/2005 by cnubelevit
Viewed: 594 times
To the Congregation of the "WHY IN THE HELL AM I WORKING HERE?" Temple of the Nearly Psychotic Employee, SALUTATIONS. Brothers and Sisters, it's a beautiful Sunday here in downtown (place your location here _______). Today I'm going to read to you from the Holy Employees Handbook, chapter 41-verse 6. This chapter is titled General Disclaimer. "Any and all contents of the Employee Handbook may be changed at anytime at the descretion of management. All rules and regulations are at the descretion of management." Nooooowww theeennn, this leads me to believe that the last 3.5 hours that I've been reading this manual (when I could've been doing something construtive like checking my e-mail, sorting paper clips, clipping my overabundance of nasal foliage) has been wasted. Don't let the General Disclaimer confuse you, frieeends. It is the gospel of the coorperation (or maybe not). It's the truth, the way, and the light (possibly). It's the undeniable truth of the god we call C.E.O. (sort of). This should give us the courage to say to the boss, "I've finished every report, called every customer, organized my cubicle." and then say "Psyche! Not really."
tips for the day: Walk up behind your boss and French-Braid his/her neck hair. Sneak into the executive washroom and place catsup packets, with pinholes in them,under the toilet seats. Buy a bottle of powdered laxative and put it in the boardroom coffee pot. Put pre-chewed gum in the water-cooler spigot. Better yet, wedge an Easter egg dye tablet in the water cooler spigot (red is always nice). Buy a bottle of Hunters Doe Scent and put a drop on all of the boss's chairs. It's a lovely aroma...kind of like cat urine and dirty sweat socks.
cnubelevit1(11/06/2005)
Unclemoneybags, Falling Down is one of my top 10 favorite movies! Office Space, The Game, Wallstreet, etc..
TheNewGuy(11/07/2005)
Great stuff...I'm gonna have to write some of this down...
granularity(11/07/2005)
boy I go away for awhile and a revolution is starting! ha. I forgot how much I needed to read this stuff...keep it in perspective.
killerdwarf(11/09/2005)
O>M>G> this is absolutely hilarious
tawanda(04/28/2006)
Thankfully the right attorney in an employee friendly state can still nail the corporation to the wall with their employee handbook. Disclaimer aside (after all, if the disclaimer were applicable, how could they possibly hope to justify any other action?), the "employee handbook" becomes an implied contract. If they don't adhere to it, they're toast...
Dharmadee(04/28/2006)
I work for the attorneys that ADVISE companies on how to write the employee handbook, in order to reduce their "liability". How sweet is that? Our employee handbook is a textbook example of their expertise, and has a gigantic chapter about being employed an "At Will Work State", and how anyone can be let go, at any time, without explanation. Aren't they just adorable? If I were a jerk of an employer, I would totally retain them. Not so nice to be the one at the other end of the stick, though.
Ladyinered (11/06/2005)
Your are seriously twisted...AND I LIKE IT!!
beaky (11/06/2005)
Blessed be cnubelevit
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