Stick up for yourself, or cool the attitude? Which will it be?
Posted on 08/29/2006 by the cynic
Viewed: 374 times
Sort of a random thought (extremely dead in the office today so more time to think and write). Something I've dealt with in nearly every job I've held since leaving college.
People always tell you that if you don't want to be bullied at work, you can't "take it." Meaning, stick up for yourself, if someone's rude, assert yourself or even be rude back if you have to be.
I've noticed that some get away with this, and others do not. My husband for instance has been "sticking up" to bullies for years. He even has a manager who's a bit petty, and he's been known to come out in front of the manager and say "EXCUSE ME, that is not what I meant, could you STOP YELLING and just LISTEN"--And then gets promoted and respected for it. He also told a "summer job" boss or 2 to essentially screw themselves (not verbatim) when he was in high school. Never has a big deal been made about it for him.
The same is true with some friends of mine, including those who dealt with the same bullies. One boss lady in the past would get up in my face then when I'd try to interrupt and defend myself, would say, "Excuse me, AH AH AH AH--I'm talking--Cool the attitude" and then keep b-tching. My friend was able to look her square in the eye and say, "You're being inappropriate. Cut it out," and the lady would stop yelling. When I tried it, she not only didn't stop but I was reported and yelled at by her supervisor.
I am a softspoken, generally compliant personality. I was raised a "turn the other cheek" type by my parents. But it seems that the minute I take others' advice about asserting myself, not "taking it" from the bullies, insisting that I'm correct when I am or even asking people to back off when they're being petty, I either get a lecture about my "tone" being inappropriate and them being "shocked" that I'd be so aggressive (this came from saying "Please have this to me by this date" in an email rather than "Would it be possible at your convenience please maybe so?").
Or, my "attitude" being unprofessional and worthy of dismissal, or that I need to "chill," "relax," or "be nice and patient" (current job and several others). And I'm being a lot nicer than the others I've heard of--I don't "dish it back," I just assert that This is my job, and this is what I need done. I'm doing exactly what I was trained to do, not overstepping my "place" or boundaries etc. It seems that I get spanked anytime I exude confidence. I do not yell, snap, or use rude words.
For instance just this Monday, the woman training me told me I needed to be more assertive in making it clear what the executive assitant role is here--that they should be sending their expense reports to me, not sneaking them past me, and that other paperwork should be going through me, not sneaked past, etc (It's my job). I sent out an email announcement to that effect, and even said "I understand that I'm new and that you might not be used to my role, but going forward please begin doing this." My trainer applauded me. My boss told me to "Please chill and be patient next time." (Okay so I SHOULD lay back and let administrative work go behind my back?)
So, what is it? Why are some people expected to be nice and demure all the time and get spanked when they're not, but others can be generally nice but defend themselves when needed? It's not because I'm female, because my friend who was able to shut that bully boss down was female.
And others have been far more blunt than I am in sticking up for themselves, but never once has my husband been slapped on the wrist for "needing to chill" or "needing to be nicer." And my friend in that other situation wasn't written up, but I was.
Anyone else feel this way, that you just can't get away with what others can and that you've been branded the "nice, submissive little kid" for life and damn you if you step outside that box? It seems like I have to literally ask before I lift a finger everywhere I go, or else risk getting in trouble or told I'm not "nice" enough, and quite frankly I think it's encouraging a lot of the problems I have at work.
POST A COMMENTFreedomringer(08/29/2006)
I know what you are talking about. In my currnet position, I was told to be more aggressive in handling the graduate students, but when I did they went crying to the PI and I was told that I was like "Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde" I think it has more to do with the people you are trying be more assertive to. They might take it as the "alpha female" syndrome and put you back in your "beta" place. It really comes down to how other people view you and your position in reference to their position. Some people have a hard time seeing others as equals and not lower subjects.
the cynic(08/29/2006)
I wonder what it is though, why some people in the same "lower-rank" positions are allowed to be assertive, but others are put back in our place (e.g., my husband and my friend, vs. me. None of us are in superior jobs, and my friend was a student intern!). Perhaps some people just exude a more intimidating personality from the get-go?
C - -(08/29/2006)
Any words how your predecessor was viewed, why did she really leave? Time to draw out people carefully, sometimes you have to dig.
avid reader(08/29/2006)
I think Freedomringer has it right: " It really comes down to how other people view you and your position in reference to their position". It is absolutely how people view you. People can sniff out subtle hints of fear or a lack of confidence in your voice. And people make impressions early on and they judge and categorize you immediately. Even before you open your mouth, people decide who you are and what you should be allowed to get away with. There are many studies that prove this too. Especially when it comes to level of attractiveness and weight. So my point is that you have to establish yourself right off the bat as "this is who I am and this how you will treat me and this is how much bullcrap I will accept." And to some people, this comes naturally (think Fonzi =). And for others it doesn't because we're slower to step up or we're just milder by nature. And both personalities have their pluses and minuses. I think the most important thing is to find a way to be happier in your own skin. If you do want to be more like Fonzi (my personal idol =) then make up your mind to do it and stick with it. I know it's possible. This story I am going to tell may sound completely cheesy, but I don't care, I'm going to tell it. When I was in high school, I was so not cool. I felt like I was cool on the inside, but somehow I wasn't exactly exuding it. So the summer between my junior and senior year, I was scheduled to go to camp. I had enough of being dismissed as a dork and I decided I was going to make my outside match my inside (both personality and dress) and I said to myself "I'm going to be my true self at this camp. I am going to be cool and leave all the dorky reputations I had behind me at home". And you know what??? It worked!! I was cool! I went there and acted as if I didn't care what people thought and I was totally true to myself and acted and dressed how I really felt inside. I noticed that by the end of the camp I had became an unofficial leader there of the group. People always wanted me to hang out with them and they went along with my ideas to have fun. I recall there was a dance at the end and I used to wear a lot of black and one day all my friends there decided that was a cool thing to do and they all decided to wear black to the dance. I still have the picture of all of us in black. Then on the last day we each signed cards to each other like a yearbook. I still have every single one of them that say "To the coolest girl I ever knew". That summer changed my life and my perspective. When I returned from camp, I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me with a friend. Normally, I would have sank down and cried and wondered what was wring with me. Instead, the new "avid" said "OK. SEE YA!". True story. I am sharing this with you to hopefully give you some sociological insight on how you can portray the image of yourself that you want to and how people will react to a confident personality (the nice kind at least!).
avid reader(08/29/2006)
One more thing. For more on this topic, check out the Malcom Gladwell book: Blink. It is fascinating. It talks about how snap judgements are made in the blink of an eye.
Dharmadee(08/29/2006)
I have so been there, I have thought about this issue for most of my life. And I have finally come down to this: I am here, I have a right to be here, just like anyone else. I am happy being me, and if you don't like it, tough. There is a story about the Buddha, that I really like (I KNOW, but my handle IS "DHARMAdee",OK?):-)! Anyway, it seems that the Buddha, having meditated under the Bodhi tree for years, to attain enlightenment, was sitting there by the side of the road. His cousin, a real jerk from the royal family that Siddhartha once had run-ins with, rode up with a contingent of soldiers. He did not recognize his cousin Siddhartha, and told him in a very rude manner to get out of his way, or he would be run over. The Buddha looked at him, but he did not move. Then he patted the earth next to him, and the earth opened up, and spirits emerged to defend him. The understanding here is that the Buddha was saying, "This is MY world, too, and I have a right to bere." When he truly understood this, and really believed it, then the earth defended him. He did not have to even say a word. Believe in yourself, don't doubt it for a minute. YOU have a right to be here, and the spirit is within you. It is not about getting angry, it is just about feeling sure of yourself.
avid reader(08/29/2006)
Dee, I love your story! I have been studying buddhist thought lately and was delighted to see your story. The concepts help me so much in everyday life and help me to be mindful and awake in life. Anyway, cynic, it is true, every single one of us has a right to be here and to be who we are and to be proud of who we are. The one thing I have learned about you from your writings is that you seem to be trying to get your ground with who you are. And all the searching and pondering you are doing shows you are wise and thoughtful and not just sleepwalking through life. You are well on your way to blooming in your own right. If I was your coworker I would be happy to sit next to you.
ACube2Graphic(08/29/2006)
I'm a tomboy anyway, but I can't stand people talking down to me or throwing their weight around. I am rather notorious for telling people what I think about something whether they want to hear it or not. But I deliver the same attitude I get; if you are polite and up front with me, that's how I treat you. If you backstab me, yell or are rude, I will NOT tolerate it and I will tell you so. I have been told that I am challenging their authority by pointing out a mgr.'s rudeness. Supervisor or not, I WILL NOT tolerate it. I have no plan on changing the way I am, so I just plan to wear my "bad attitude" reports like merit badges.
Freedomringer(08/30/2006)
I am honestly humbled and inspired by all of your comments. I think some of the most thoughtful people post here and I would be correct. Cynic you are a flower on the verge of blooming, and it will be a spectactular flower. Be who you are, be mindful and respectful of others, but don't let others tred on you. I loved the buddha story and avid reader you rock! I loved your story and it was remindful to me that you can change the projection you put forward. Thank you all so much.
the cynic(08/30/2006)
This helps. It probably is the personality exuded from the get-go. I come across as shy and "Yes you can step all over me", so when I suddenly say, "No you can't," the response is usually "Yes I can, and I will, and you can't do a damn thing about it. What I've always been taught is when you go to a new job, lay low and act submissive rather than "going in like gangbusters" and seeming aggressive from the get-go. Is that a mistake?
Dharmadee(08/30/2006)
I am the same exact way...you are like a younger version of me! It is a combination of things, cynic. You are projecting a submissive attitude, yes...and you are female, and you are young and pretty, but happily married. All of these things put out various red flags to a number of aggressive types. There is a way of being assertive, without being aggressive but in the workplace of today, it is a very fine line. All I can tell you is, be centered within yourself, believe in yourself, and know that there is a higher plan. If you stay centered, and true to yourself, you can stand up for yourself, but you will not lose your soul. There are more important things in life than a paycheck. Have faith, you will be OK. I am not saying you will have the company car, or the corner office. But you will be an honest, authentic person, and that is what really matters, to you, to your husband and to your future children.
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