By sheila
I am a single girl. It is widely known in the office because my coworkers (all married) kid me about it and are always trying to set me up.
SO YESTERDAY my boss called me in for a one on one meeting on a subject matter that I now realize was a sorry cover up for what he really wanted. At the end of the meeting, this sleezebag greasy Don Johnson of the 80's wannabe leans back in his chair and starts eyeing me. This is not the first time it's happened so usually I just avert my eyes and get out of there. But this time he starts asking me what "a nice single girl like me" is doing for 4th of July. I tell him I don't know yet, maybe a barbeque at my sister's house. He interrupts me by shushing me with his gross finger to his lips and goes on to explain that his wife is going out of town with the kids to her family in another state. He proceeds to make really cheesy gross puppy eyes at me and says he's going to be "weally wonely" all by himself in his "weally big house". CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE THAT?! I just stared at him with a tired of his crap expression on my face and he seemed to get the point because he said "Well! So I'll probably just watch Spike TV or something I don't get to do when she's here". Freakin gross pig! Ugh! I got the heck out of there but coud feel his gross eyes watching me leave. Disgusting!!!!!!!
I wrote the date down and what happened, but since it was all kind of inuendo I'll just hold on to it in case anything more happens, which I am pretty sure it will given his track record. God I feel sorry for his wife! Should I be mentioning this to HR at this point? My gut says keep it under wraps until I have at least one other clear case documented. If it matters, I am 26 and he is about 40ish and he has been my boss for a year. Thoughts?
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By vanilla ginger:Girl, you have enough right there for a sexual harassment report. No need to endure that bag of crapola for a whole year to make your case.
So get your li'l self over to HR now, and take your documentation with you. HR will want to see it.Ick! Sorry you had to go thru that. Good luck.
By freedomringer:I think you should give little a wifey poo a call and let her know what a sick pig he is. In today's world with HIV and herpes one can not play around. HIV is not all that uncommon among heterosexuals. I would call her and tell her that she sould be checked out for sexually transmitted diseases, since her sleaze bag husband has a problem with sticking his penis into places it does not belong.
By just me:Agree agree agree! Maybe an anonymous etter to the wife? I would want to know if my spouse was behaving so grotesquely. I'd appreciate the heads up.
By sheila:Well a friend of mine at a different company went to HR about this kind of thing a few years ago and they told her that she had to talk to the person and tell him how uncomfortable he makes her and to stop it. Well, after puking from nervousness in the morning, she did it and he acted all like "I don't know what you're talking about, sorry if you took it the wrong way blah blah blah" and then it never happened again and nothing went on his record. So my train of thought was that I would keep a log and then go because I thought with only one recorded HR would tell me the same thing. I do have an acqaintance in HR that maybe I could go talk to off the record first. The thing is, it's a big deal to accuse someone of something and I don't know if I'm ready to enter that battle.
By vanilla ginger:Sheila, it's not going to be a battle.
Even one incident is enough. Talk to your friend in HR off the record and she will probably say the same thing.
AS for having to confront the creep about how you feel, I doubt they would make you do that.
By M. in Wisconsin:Sheila, I think you are on the right track.
Move carefully on this. Yes, document all that happened and anything that hppens in the future. Keep your file at home. Chances are, he's been discouraged enough to let it drop. Meanwhile, I suggest you consult a reliable HR person with another firm and then begin looking for another job. In other words, be prepared to take action. Do not do anything to jeopardize your current job. You might also want to inform and educate yourself on how other women have handled this situation.
Good luck. You sound like a level-headed person.
M
By Spencer:Damn girl. That's nasty. BTW his name's not Darryl is it? Because I got a cousin that fits the description pretty much to a T. I say you rat on him!
By the cynic:EWWWWW. Yeah, I'd say that's a harrassment incident. I had never heard of HR requiring someone to have more than one incident, or putting someone through the ringer the way you mentioned with the past incident. According to all sensitivity trainings I've been to, all it takes is one off-color sexist, racial, homophobic, etc. remark, and you may press charges. Also, so typical of the corporate snake--goes back to my comment about upper-management men expecting their young, pretty staff to sleep with them. Dude, you have a WIFE!! Ugh!
By BoneyardDiva:I had to go to HR 3 months ago because a co-worker was making "innuendos" about his privates & whatnot. It was taken seriously & apparently said person decided to "resign." If you take a stand, at least you've pushed back. Don't worry about losing the job...there are plenty others out there. Get this loser out of that place!
By sheila:Thanks for a your words of encouragement guys! I did end up going to HR after speaking with my friend and they are being very slow about doing anything right now. It has been documented with them and they suposedly spoke to him the next day. He's been acting very cold to me, which was expected. They are doing a "sit down" with the two of us tomorrow to hear both sides. GULP. Is this standard procedure? I work at a smallish company where many people have worked together for years and years so I am still kind of a newbie outsider. I get the feeling they just want to rub ointment on the wound and act like they're taking it seriously. I talked to a coworker about it and she told me he has been known for this behavior in the past but it has been 'overooked' by management. I am looking for a new job because even if it gets worked out I don't want to be around it anymore. Thanks again and I will post back after tomorrow.
By Loves 2 Run:I'm a Runner. I love to run. Now listen here young'n... RUN DO NOT WALK to your HR office. Keep it off the record for now, but mention it. I'd fire up my resume too... This stuff is no longer tolerated. You don't have to take that. I feel badly for you.
By BoneyardDiva:Do we have any updates, Sheila?
By captive drone worker:I LOVE what freedomringer said - yummy revenge fantasy!
But I think you did the right thing, and am just writing to offer support. Mr. Midlife Cliche Crisis should check his gonads at the door. Game over!
Keep us posted!
By Dharmadee:The guy is a disgusting pig. You should be protected. Real world? You won't be. If you are not willing to play into their sick little games, smile and make nice, they will continue to cover for him, and up the ante against you, so you will eventually look like a nut job in a grudge match. Get out of there.
By sheila:I'm sorry everyone, I had buried this in my mind and didn't want to update you because I was embarrassed by what happened. We had the sit down or mediation as they called it. It was completely embarrassing. The pig denied everything and down played it and treated me like I had made a mountain out of a molehill and told me I had taken things the wrong way and out of context. And HR pretty much backed him. I am not proud of myself, but at the time there were other personal things going on in my life and I am sorry to say I lacked the energy to fight. After a sleepless night, I turned in my resignation the next day. Nobody even asked me to reconsider and in my exit interview the incident was never even brought up. I didn't bring it up either because I just wanted to wash my hands of the whole situation. Nobody even had a goodbye lunch for me. I only gave a week notice, but in that week I had become an undesirable I guess. It was a relatively new job for me so I just chalked it up. I took some time off for myself and a vacation and have now been working at a new job at a large company and I am very happy. My boss is a kind older man who is the exact opposite of my old boss and I feel safe and comfortable here. Again, I am not proud of my handling of the situtation, I know I should have stood up more for myself, but like I say I had enough turmoil in my personal life back then and couldn't handle 2 big battles at once. Thank you all for your support and advice. It meant a lot. I read all the things you guys say to help each other on this website and it is really something else. I hope to become more active and maybe this is a good start. I have been just lurking and reading stories thinking that if I commented again, people would ask me about what happened and I was afraid. I guess the time is right to report what happened and just move on.
By Dharmadee:Don't apologize, it is understandable. I think that this is an example of post-traumatic stress syndrome. I am SO glad you are out of there, and I am so happy that you have found employment in a decent organization. Good luck!
By sheila:Thanks Dee! I've been keeping up on your story and have been meaning to tell you that I am happy you got out of your crazy bimbo environment! Here's to happier times for us both! I have been thinking about this all day and feel happy that someone asked about my situation. It's nice to feel like someone cares. I think I was in a shell for a few months after that last job. I think I retreated. For the first time I am feeling like my confidence is coming back. It's really something how a situation like I had can make you feel two feet small. I think if I had been supported by HR it would have made all the difference in the world. I thought that's what HR was for!!!!
By SouthernProgrammer:I don't blame you a bit for resigning. Unfortunately, it has been my experience that HR spends more time defending clueless managers than they do the workers. Once you reported the incident (as you should have), HR should have moved you to another manager. Overall, you did the best thing by leaving for greener pastures.
By SouthernProgrammer:Idea - If this ever happens to anyone again, agree to go to the sleazeballs house....but take a camera. Snap a picture of the bedroom and then head for the door! Then tell the sleaze if he ever bothers you again, a copy of it will be mailed to your wife along with a note that says "Love your decorating skills"
By avid reader:Sheila, so glad you have gotten out of there! Don't feel ashamed for your choice. You did the best you could under the circumstances. We choose our battles in life, and it sounds like you had bigger fish to fry. So good to hear you're doing well now!
By single faced:now that sheila has put her situation behind her and moved on, i would like to add for those who are reading this and learning from the experience of others. sheila did the right thing in that time of her life. lifes experiences can either weaken or make us stronger. we always walk away feeling like we should have said, or could have done something different, but the truth is, we did the best we could at the time. if the situation happens again or if another reader finds themself in a simular situation, they will be armed with more knowledge, but it does not guarantee they will react logically. the facts are we are emotional people trying to live in a logical world. mr. "gross boss" in sheila's story has serious problems according to the society we live in. he needs help and the advice i would give to any hot young thing that gets hit on by their "gross boss" is, first try not to let emotions take complete control over your thinking. Second, when suggestions are made that cause negitive emotional reactions, simply begin to ask questions. eg. "mr. "gross boss", what are you suggesting"? "are you wanting me to come over this weekend"? "what are your expectations from me"? be bold in asking what he wants from you! if you have pencil and paper with you, begin to take notes. if you are expecting this type of "interview" write down these questions and fill in his answers. if he becomes uncomfortable about the notes you are taking, ask him why? take charge of this situation and let him damage his own reputation. be bold in asking what your job duties are! you will know when to involve the hr department by his reaction to you doing your job well. check your employee handbook, it should clearly state that harasment will not be tolerated!!!
ps. i am a 40+ supervisor who was accused of sexual harassment... are you surprised? am i guilty without do processing? show me a coin with only one side... does the other hold no value?
By blola:Good advice, Single Face, especially the aspect of human emotions. Being a highly emotional person, this time off from work is affording me the opportunity to evaluate my reactions to bad situations. The women/men in this dialogue group are very savvy and I am heeding their advice and thankfully am becoming a stronger woman. My head has been buried in the sand for too long and my concentration was always geared to production, production, production and I never saw the plotting going on around me -- totally my fault. The stories presented and the comments offered have literally opened up my "third eye" which I never knew was there. It is amazing how wise and brave these authors are and to think that I am gaining a valuable education regarding human emotions. Love this sight!
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