Job Schmob Inbox - Funny Email Forwards

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful and share one with your neighbor.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

1. Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!" They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.

2. Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they realize what has happened.

3. Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar, and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it...sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit!

4. This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.

5. Try to find a very obnoxious CD lying around. Preferably a reggae or rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.

6. This is for that special person you just cannot stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal e-mail all day. Go into their e-mail and change their defaults to automatically "blind carbon copy" their boss or supervisor. Heads will roll!

7. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decafe. Wait about three weeks (or until you think everybody has gotten over their caffeine addiction)and switch to espresso!

8. Try "password securing" someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to "scrolling marque" and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats SHlT" or something to that effect.

9. Pop out the 'm' and 'n' key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two. Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.

10. With someone who is on the phone a lot during work - This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.

11. Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc. before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.

Having looked the other way for weeks, the boss finally called Smith into his office for a sit-down.

"You know, Smith," he said, "I've noticed that every time you have to take your dear old aunt to her doctor's appointments, there's a home game over at the stadium."

"Wow, sir. I guess you're right," Smith answered. "I didn't realize it. You don't think she's faking it, do you?"

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and t his should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

1)When someone walks by, grab your computer in an embrace and snarl at them. Pet your computer and seductively whisper to it.


2)Skip down the halls singing "Come Sail Away" then when you pass someone, look at them strangely and ask for them to quit that.


3)Disquise your voice and page people to fake extensions. Then walk by the person you just paged, stop and stare while shaking your head.


4)Walk around taking notes and when someone asks you what your doing, grin and say "I think that's the last of your worries, don't you?" and wink


5)Wait by the restroom and every time someone walks out, pretend to walk in and rush back out while screaming "My god, did something die in there" follow by gagging and coughing.


6)After doing 6 to at least 10 people, page over the intercom that the restrooms have been closed for everyone's safety.

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they've had a couple of
drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross".
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.

16. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

17. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

18. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

19. Even though you might get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.

20. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

21. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

AND, THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

Olny srmat poelpe can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the frist and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

There are three men sitting in the waiting room of a hospital. A nurse walks over to the first guy and says, "Congratulations. You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence," he says. "I work for Twin City Federal!" A while later, the nurse comes out to congratulate the second man. "You are the proud father of triplets," she tells him. " That's funny," says the dad. " I work for AAA!" The third expectant father jumps up, a look of terror on his face, and runs out of the room. "Sir where are you going?" the nurse calls out. He yells over his shoulder, "I work for 10,000 Auto Parts!"

1. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who's behind you.

2.The fabric walls offer little protection from gunfire.

3. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.

3.Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

4.Walls that are too close together for your hammock.

5.Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without somebody making a comment.

6.Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

7.Passing tour groups never throw peanuts.

8.When you quit and walk out, there's no door to slam.

9. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long.

10. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

11. If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."

12.You always have the feeling that someone is watching you, but by the time you turn to look they're gone.

13. STATIC CHARGES THAT ZAP UP WHEN U TOUCH THE METAL FRAME OF THE CUBICLE!

If you take a long time, you're slow. BUT if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

If you don't do it, you're lazy. BUT if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

If you make a mistake, you're an idiot. BUT if your boss makes a mistake, he's 'only human'.

If you're on a day off sick, you're 'always' sick. BUT if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. BUT if your boss does it, he's being firm.

If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. BUT if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

If you please your boss, you're ass-kissing. BUT if your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. BUT if your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

If you're out of the office, you're wandering around. BUT if your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. BUT if your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

1. How about never? Is never good for you?

2. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

3. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

4. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

5. Ahhh...I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.

6. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

7. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

8. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

9. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

10. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

11. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

12. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

13. Thank you.We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

14. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

15. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

16. No, my powers can only be used for good.

17. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

18. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

19. Are you a damn ray of sunshine every day?

20. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

21. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

22. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

23. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

24. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

25. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

26. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

To: All Employees
From: Human Resources
RE: Layoffs

As a result of the reduction of money for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). After getting HERPES or CLAP employee's will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.

H. R. Department

To All Employees:

In the past, employees have been permitted to use the restroom without restriction. Effective December 31st, 2005, a RESTROOM POLICY will be established. Under this policy, employees will be given twenty (20) restroom credits per month. These credits may be accumulated from month to month. At the end of the calendar year, employees will be reimbursed for all extra credits in excess of twenty at the rate of three minutes per credit.

Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with voice recognition devices. Each employee must provide two voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to his/her supervisor by August 30. The voice recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, during the month of April. Beginning September 1 if an employee's restroom credit balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not open for that employee until the first day of the next month.

In addition, all restrooms will be equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the restroom is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the restroom door will swing open. If the restroom remains occupied for an additional thirty seconds, the occupant's picture will be taken and posted on bulletin boards relating to employee matters. Any employee whose picture appears more than three times in a calendar year will be subject to administrative counseling.

The Management

While shaking hands get into a heated thumb wrestling match.

Repeat everything your interviewer says, keep going until he or she yells at you. Then ask if you got the job.

Stick a piece of broccoli between your front teeth, smile a lot.

Sometime during the interview, frown and sniff suspiciously, ask the boss if he or she farted.

Pick your nose and wipe contents underneath the lip of your interviewers desk.

Bring in whoopie cushion, set it off, roll your eyes and look at your interviewer with disgust.

In the beginning of the interview pull out a gun and put it on the interviewer’s desk in front of you, then say, "Mind if I rest this here during the interview?"

Demand that if hired you want desk plate that reads, "Big Kahuna."

As you follow your interviewer to his or her office kick out their heels so that they trip and fall on their face, laugh uncontrollably.

Show up in your jogging outfit, run in place during the entire interview.

Bathroom excuse #1: Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, as you walk out the door make a loud fart noise with your mouth then sigh and say, "DARN!"

Bathroom excuse #2: Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, come back with the entire front of your pants wet.

Ask for a company Porsche.

Comment on how much you like your interviewer’s spouse’s picture, then take it and put it in your briefcase.

Some time during the interview slip some chiclets in your mouth, then sneeze as loud as you can launching entire contents in your mouth in his or her face, cover your mouth and say, "I sink I loth by theeth."

As you reach inside your briefcase pull out a sock puppet, introduce him as "Socko" and harass your interviewer with it.

During the interview reach over and grab at your interviewer’s face and say, "Got your nose" while clenching your fist, demand that you get hired or you won’t give back their nose.

Chew tobacco, spit in pencil holder.

Announce that you are committing a hostile take over of the company, fire your interviewer.

At the end of the interview end it with a three stooges eye jab followed by a smack to the forehead finish it off with a, "woo-woo-woo-woooooo....!"

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Word.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I'M PERSONABLE: I talk to other employeess at least 3 hours every work day.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a day planner and wear fancy shoes.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've been fired a lot.

Have you ever struggled with a performance review? Read on for some tips to make the next one easier.

John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his programmers.

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.

Regards,

Jim

A memo was soon sent following the letter:

John,

That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above (1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Jim

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

18. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

19. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

21. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

22. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.

23. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

24. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

25. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.

26. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.

27. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.

28. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

29. Never pass a snow plow on the right.

30. If you can smile when everything goes wrong, you probably don't understand the problem.

31. Morning people: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

32. Night people: "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter."

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the Axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

12. Political campaign bumper stickers that are outdated, even more so when it boasts the loser

11. Minivans with wide back-ends, I can’t see around them and that just simply annoy me!

10. When the car in front of me is driving at 30 mph in a 45mph zone, with the indicator flashing but turning nowhere.

9. When the cars in the lane next to me are moving, so I switch to that lane, then the traffic stops and my old lane starts moving.

8. When the guy next to me at a red light picks his nose and believes that no-one can see him.

7. When people sound their horn a nanosecond after the light changes to green if I haven’t sped off as if I were in the I-500.

6. When the car in front of me sends a spray of wiper wash right over the top of their car; washing my car and me through my open sunroof.

5. When cars speed up to pass me, then pull in front of me and slow down.

4. One who shares their stereo with everyone within a mile radius, and has exaggerated movements to ensure we all know they are listening to music they enjoy.

3. When people write ‘wash me’ on a dirty car.

2. When people write ‘wash me’ on my car!

1. People who have a CD hanging from their rear-view mirror. Why!!!! Honestly, why?

10. No-one ever steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. It's an inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.
2. You can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And ... drum roll ... the Number One reason to go to work naked :

1. Your boss will never say, "I want to see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again.

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on April 1st. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Sheila' instead of 'Steve'.

MEMO

TO: ALL OUTSOURCED PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Time". Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your time, and the client will be billed for all of the codes provided below at a $175 hourly rate. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Incidentally, none of these codes can be used 4 days before the end of month, as we are enforcing a non-client care period during these days.

Thank you,
Accounting


Code and Explanation:

5316 Useless Meeting

5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting

5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting

5319 Waiting for Break

5320 Waiting for Lunch

5321 Waiting for End of Day

5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker

5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present

5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend

5481 Buying Snack

5482 Eating Snack

5502 Waiting for Something to Happen

5510 Feeling Bored

5600 Complaining

5701 Not Actually Present At Job

5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu, aka Hangover

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

1) Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

2) Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

3) Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them

4) We put the "k" in "kwality"

5) If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

6) Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

7) A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

8) If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

9) Plagiarism saves time.

10) If at first you don't succeed - try management.

11) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

12) TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

13) The beatings will continue until morale improves.

14) Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

15) "We waste time, so you don't have to."

16) Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

17) Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

18) A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

19) When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

20) INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

21) Succeed in spite of management.

22) Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

23) We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

24) You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

25) Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
   
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
   
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
   
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
   
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
   
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
   elevator.
   
7. Shave.
   
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask,
   "Got
   enough air in there?"
   
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your
   upside-down.
   
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
    getting off.
    
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors
    open,
    then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
    
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and
    ask
    them to call you "Admiral."
    
14. One word: Flatulence!
    
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
    open
    until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
    bottom.
    
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
    
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
    announce:
    "I've got new socks on."
    
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not
    now,
    damn motion sickness!"
    
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
    
20. Meow occasionally.
    
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    
22. Frown and mutter, "Got to go, got to go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
    
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    
24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
    
25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
    
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
    
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one
    of
    THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    
28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
    
29. Leave a box between the doors.
    
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
    
32. Start a sing-along.
    
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your
    beeper?"
    
34. Play the accordion.
    
35. Shadow box.
    
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
    
37. Lean against the button panel.
    
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red
    buttons.
    
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
    other
    passengers that this is your "personal space."
    
41. Bring a chair along.
    
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Want to see wha
    in
    muh mouf??"
    
43. Blow spit bubbles.
    
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
    
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host
    body."
    
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
    
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
    
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
    
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD
    TOUCH!"
    
    

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious, but the engineers rolled on the floor:

"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items."

Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid

1. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching

2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal

3. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity

4. A few beers short of six-pack

5. Proof that evolution can go in reverse

6. Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box

7. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead

8. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl

9. One taco short of a combination plate

10. A few feathers short of a whole duck

11. All foam, no beer

12. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel

13. Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

14. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

15. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel

16. Too much yardage between the goalposts

17. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

18. As smart as bait

19. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

20. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled

21. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

22. Forgot to pay his brain bill

23. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

24. His belt doesn't go through all the loops

25. If he had another brain, it would be lonely

26. No grain in the silo

27. Fell out of the family tree

28. Receiver is off the hook

29. Several nuts short of a full pouch

30. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

The following are actual resume blunders as reported by Fortune:

"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience"

"I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat pogroms"

"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year"

"Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave"

"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions"

"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades"

"It's best for employers that I not work with people"

"Let's meet, so you can "ooh" and "aah" over my experience"

"You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time"

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details"

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move"

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage"

"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments"

"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far"

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store"

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping". I have never quit a job"

"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Could not work under those conditions"

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers"

"Finished eighth in my class of ten"

"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me"

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels,
and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. For ward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

Grow mold in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

Email nude gifs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.

Hang mistletoe over your desk.

Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.

AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).

AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.

AT WORK.....you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK.....you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.

AT WORK.....you have to share.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK.....you can not even speak to your family and friends.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.

AT WORK.....you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK.....you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - or given one, just remember, it could have been worse.

These are actual quotes taken from Federal Government employee performance evaluations:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other"

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. It was looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:

1) "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(Winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp., Redmond WA)

2) "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3) "Email is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company)

4) "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)

5) "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corp.)

6) "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D Supervisor, 3M Corp.)

7) Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing Executive, Citrix Corp.)

8) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping Executive, FTD)

9) "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Div.)

10) One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it."
(Hallmark Executive)

Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Cube Dusting: Surreptitiously passing wind while walking through a cube farm.

Computer Defenestrate: The act of throwing your computer out of a window.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for taking free copies from one's workplace photocopier.