Disturbing Workplace Poetry

• Ahh yes, the boss. At first, we found it difficult to speak of a boss in poetic terms, but then somehow the prose just seemed to ooze like puss out of a leper.
  
  Ode to My Boss »
  
  

  by Marty Forreal
  Oh boss, oh boss, you boss of mine
  Truth be told…I think you’re swine
  Each week you make Carol in Accounting cry
  Then you fool HR with a lie
  
  Oh boss, oh boss, oh boss that I hate
  Management obviously thinks that you’re great
  But they don’t see what we endure
  You’re frequent piles of fresh manure
  
  Oh boss, oh boss, when you talk no one listens
  The drool on the side of your face…it glistens
  You’re a blithering idiot without any worth
  And I won’t even mention your rear end’s girth
  
  Oh boss, oh boss, you’re way overpaid
  You must’ve put on a damn good charade
  When they hired you they must have been needy
  Why else would they hire someone so seedy
  
  Oh boss, oh boss, you don’t even do your job
  You walk around this place like a stuck-up snob
  Day after day I take calls from your wife
  Get a freakin secretary and stop causing me strife
  
  Oh boss, oh boss, you know it’s the truth
  And you’re lucky my name isn’t John Wilkes Booth
  Funny thing how this “job thing” works
  We all seem to end up working for jerks
  

• Ladies and gentleman, we sincerely hope this one doesn't hit as close to home as it does for us. But sadly, we're afraid it might.
  
  Ode to My Cubicle Neighbor »
  
  

  by Marty Forreal
  Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor of mine
  As far as I know you think things are fine
  You come in each morning and plop your butt down
  Without realizing you cause such a frown
  
  Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor so true
  You sneeze like an elephant sick with the flu
  And how can I explain the odor you emit
  Ejected directly from underneath your pit
  
  Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor next door
  You make unidentified noises that rumble the floor
  I cannot determine if it’s a song you are singing
  Or wailing in pain from a porcupine stinging
  
  Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor by force
  I wish you hadn’t eaten that second course
  Because now there’s an odor I know very well
  It shows up each time you’ve digested Hormel
  
  Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor about who
  I haven’t an inkling of what it is that you do
  You yak on the phone to family and friends
  Ragging on how much your coworker spends
  
  Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor divine
  It seems that you've finally crossed the line
  Each day I think that I am going to scream
  But I hope that I won’t go to that extreme.
  
  Oh neighbor, oh neighbor, oh neighbor my friend
  The time has come that I can no longer pretend
  This cubicle wall offers me no protection
  I am left to sit and just bitch in your direction
  

• If you don't know a person like this, perhaps you ARE the person like this. Yeah, that's right, you heard us...
  
  Ode to the Workplace Gossip »
  
  

  Oh gossip, oh gossip, gossipy girl
  You relate the new rumors through the mill
  You add your own details to make it more juicy
  You describe Jan in Claims as "just a bit loosey"
  
  Oh gossip, proud gossip, you've lost all our trust
  Because you've turned our reputations to dust
  You bend over backwards to get a good morsel
  You’re worse than a shark with blood on its dorsal
  
  Oh gossip, great gossip, you're the best at the game
  You're not out for blood; you're out to maim
  You're the first to report our relationship woes
  And you can't wait to out the latest office foes.
  
  Oh gossip, oh gossip, someday you'll pay
  Despite what you said, the VP ain't gay
  You may get a written warning this time
  But everyone knows that you’re certified slime
  
  Oh gossip, poor gossip, you'll do whatever it takes
  To get the latest dirt no matter what is at stake
  The news of the downsizing got to you first
  The day you found out, we all thought you'd burst
  
  Oh gossip, oh gossip, you're on permanent probation
  But we’ll all still treat you like Grand Central Station
  When entertainment's low and we need a fix
  It’s you who'll we'll throw right into the mix

• Every building has one...here's a "tribute" to the loathsome lovebirds.
  
  Ode to the On-the-Job Couple »
  
  

  Oh on-the-job couple, you’re so sweet
  You believe that everyone thinks you’re so neat
  You’re quite a bit blinded by your new love
  Or else you’d see that it’s you we’re sick of
  
  Oh on-the-job couple, you’re basking in bliss
  You sit in the breakroom at lunchtime and kiss
  We can’t sit in there with you because we feel queasy
  Your kissy-pooh talk is so god damn cheesy
  
  Oh on-the-job couple, you pair of geeks
  We knew it’s been going on for weeks
  You told us yesterday that you just started dating
  But last month we saw you in the conference room---mating
  
  Oh on-the-job couple, did you really need to “make it official”?
  How in the world could that be beneficial?
  Oh we get it…it gives you permission to make us puke
  And somehow it “proves” that your love’s not a fluke
  
  Oh on-the-job couple, we’re really not jealous
  But a staff meeting’s not the place to be so zealous
  You see us as bitter, unsympathetic gabs
  But we’re afraid you might give each other crabs
  
  Oh on-the-job couple, you said we could come to the wedding
  But the guys in the mailroom are already betting
  By the end of summer you’ll be all used up
  And we’ll have to take sides when you’re broken up
  
  Oh on-the-job couple, please spare us the grief
  If you could stop this now it would be a relief
  But if you persist, we’ll have to suck it up and buy it.
  But dammit we were hoping for some peace and quiet

• Achoo! Boo hoo! Whoa is me! Gimme a freakin break... Print this out and stick it in their kleenex box or under their tube of Aspercreme.
  
  Ode to the Workplace Hypochondriac »
  
  

  Oh want to be sickie, you know it's not true
  You never came down with a case of the flu
  You pretended you did so we’d all gather round
  Instead we sat there thinking how tightly you're wound.
  
  Oh want to be sickie you're not fooling us
  We saw you this morning when you got off the bus
  You looked fine and dandy strolling to work
  But apparently your symptoms, they seem to lurk
  
  Oh want to be sickie you turn it on easy
  You come here to work and start to feel queasy
  It must be Malaria or West Nile Virus
  Either way, your melodramatic crap just tires us
  
  Oh want to be sickie, stop crying "boo hoo"
  We really don't care what you think is plaguing you
  Is it spinal meningitis or typhoid fever?
  Or maybe you got bit by an African beaver?
  
  Oh want to be sickie, we don't give a damn
  We all know you're just a disturbed little ham
  We don't need to hear the details of your puke
  Or to hear that you think the diarrhea's a fluke
  
  Oh want to be sickie, next time we hear it
  We're going to tell you to shove it and smear it
  We're not listening to your symptoms or self-diagnosis
  Please just get help for your long term psychosis!