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April 1, 2005


Posted on 04/08/2005 by
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Dear Alotta,

My coworker recently started humming songs while he works. He hums regularly and has different tunes for different tasks. For example, he hums "Some Like It Hot" while he coalates, "Candle in the Wind" while he types and "What's New Pussycat" while he files . We share a cubicle wall and I think I am about to go mad. Alotta, why does he do this and what should I do about it?

-- Not Liking the Music Man


Dear Not Liking,

Wow. The next time he begins to hum I recommend providing him with what he is obviously looking for -- a standing ovation. If he acts alarmed (which I reckon he will) gush about his humming abilities. Tell him you're a huge fan of Buster Poindexter and rave about how much he sounds exactly like him. Rant about how much more souful his rendition of "Candle in the Wind" is than Elton's. When he inevitably turns beat red and says "REALLY??" Go deadpan and say "No...idiot." and sit back down. He'll get the point.

-- Alotta, melodically


Dear Alotta,

Last week my Caucasian boss called me into his office and "confessed" to me that he knows Spanish. I found this very odd as I do not speak Spanish. He made a big deal about it and said he was glad to get it off his "pecho" because he can now be true to hisself in front of his employees. I played the good employee and acted impressed. This apparently fanned the flames because he proceeded to put on a show by reciting common Spanish phrases (eg. Como esta usted?) in a very heavy American accent. He went so far as to say "Hasta la vista, baby" as I left his office. Alotta...que pasa?!

-- No me gusta El Gringo


Dear No Me Gusta,

Lo siento. Looks like El Gringo was pulling out all the stops to impress you. If he continues to habla just smile, shrug and say "no comprende" while you walk away. Of course, if there is another employee in the building who speaks fluent Spanish you can always unload your boss onto him by saying "Wow, boss, you're really good at it. Why don't you go over and see if Hector understands you?". Bottom line: avoid going to Mexican restaurants at lunch with this man unless you like digging your nails into your thighs while you eat.

-- Alotta, sinceramente

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