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Know Thy Enemies
Posted on 03/07/2006 by Rev. Ken U. Belevit
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Brothers and Sisters,
It's another GLORIOUS day at the Holy Temple of the Damn the Man Army. Today, Brother Corporate Slave, the Deacon of the Damn the Man Army will be passing the collection plate. You don't put money in
this collection plate, just your comments. We value your suggestions, comments, and thoughts more than physical recompense.
Last weeks sermon was on the 1st book of the Gospel of Jobschmob: "The Demonic H.R. Cherubim". This morning's sermon is from the 2nd book: "Know Thy Enemies".
Sooooo, you've been hired and started your new job. It's great, isn't it? You think that this job is going to be different, that you've a great new boss and that the people here aren't going to be the backstabbing, cutthroat, gossipy brood that you left at your last job. WRONG!!! Only this time, Jobschmob and the Damn the Man Army are on your side to help you distinguish the Divine from the Damned.
Never trust the first person that's friendly with you. "Buddy". Odds are that this is the boss's double agent. You know the one. The sugary-sweet, slap-you-on-the-back, let's-do-lunch associate that realllly wants to get to know you. This is one of Hell's (work...Hell, same thing!) more devious lesser demons. Anything you say to it goes straight in the boss's ear. "Buddy" will bait you by saying negative things about the job, boss and other associates just to get your response. The easiest way to baffle this half-brained, deceptive little twit is to be just as sugary-sweet about everything. If it says something negative, reply with something positive. Its miniscule, little mind can't cope with this and eventually it will become catatonic and start drooling on its keyboard.
Then there's Mr./Ms. "I Know Everything". If you can do it, they can do it better. If you've been to a great college, they were Ivy League. This arrogant, pompous little Troll is actually an insecure attention seeker that was probably told by its parents that it was perfect. If you become its bragging focal point, start nit-picking (nonchalantly) at its flaws. You know, reach over to pick something off its shoulder and say, "just a gray hair", or, "nice car, why didn't you spring for the sports model?" or, "Are you using your spell checker? I've noticed a few typos in your report." Ultimately, you'll find it sucking its thumb under a desk with a blankie.
"Twitch", the associate that's terrified of the boss and losing its job. This evil little cherub has to change its Depends every time the boss breaks wind. You might even begin to feel sorry for it. DON'T!! It will do anything and everything to ingratiate its self to the boss —including ratting you out for being two seconds late for work. Stay far away from this one. Anxiety is contagious. There's an easy fix for "Twitch". Wait until it walks by your desk, pick up the phone and say, "I heard (insert Twitch's name here) is getting canned." in a quiet voice. Be prepared to cover yourself with a report or something because you're about to witness a full blown, flop on the floor, lung hurling, Grand Mal, "I'm getting FIRED!" seizure.
The "Thing" is the associate that has no idea what the phrase "personal hygiene" means. The donut eating, trashed cubicle, malodorous, sense-offending sloth of Hell. Its almost impossible to ignore the pit stains and jelly donut droppings on its shirt while being forced to sit through the "Thing's" quarterly profits presentation. Rarely detrimental to your career, it can be detrimental to your olfactory sense and psychological well being especially if you're burdened with "ranciphobia" (a fear of contracting terminal halitosis {bad breath}). Slip a little Ipecac onto its jelly donut and you'll have a some solace—after it's sent home for projectile regurgitation).
We, the congregation of the Holy Temple of the Damn the Man Army, enjoyed having you and hope you'll come on back next week for some more of the Gospel of Jobschmob.
Rev. Ken U. Belevit
JobSchmobber Community Comments
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Nubi1 (03/09/2006)
You must be in the cubicle next to mine. Same people. LOL
Tonito (03/11/2006)
You rock rev. Freakin' funny!
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Get rid of 'em if they know where the bodiComments (2)
I want a cubicle at homeComments (5)
40 Years - For What?Comments (5)
My Bimbo ManagerComments (67)
FIRED, for posting a JOKE from my home, onComments (1)
Where do you think...slave driver!Comments (12)
Change your vacation just because I say soComments (12)
Parker Hannifin you have some BAD BOSSESComments (3)
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