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November 7, 2005

Posted on 11/03/2005 by Penny Profundo
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Corporate America's Secret Parking League

When I first started my career in Corporate America I wasn’t aware of the secret parking league that exists in which everyone participates but nobody admits. At least not until I endured the walk of shame one cold, windy, snowy day in Chicago from the most distant parking spot---the last one available when I drove in that morning at 9:15am. It didn’t take long for me to realize the err of my ways, as I saw my colleagues peering down at me from the 7th floor warm and snug holding their steaming mugs and blowing “frosties” on the window, making cynical comments about my tardiness and my misery as I thrashed my way through the wind and snow. It only took this one time to wise up to the “early bird gets the worm” saying or in this case “the early shark gets to park”. Days of experience have given me an advantage on understanding corporate parking and the types of “parkers” that exist.

The most annoying type of parker is the Parking Rooster. Roosters are uptight employees that promptly arrive to the office, rain or shine, at exactly 7:00 a.m. everyday. Roosters dominate the parking league and their vehicles can easily be identified by their habitual parking plan. They almost always give an assumed respect to other Roosters by parking in the same spot each day, as if rubbing into the rest of us that they are always on time. These early sharks eat their lunch at the same time the latecomers are getting their first cup of coffee. They come early and they leave early, and all meetings revolve around their schedule.

Also in existence are the Parking Vultures. The Vulture continues to circle the parking lot until a parking spot opens up. There are two types of vultures: the Lazy Vulture and the Late Vulture. The Lazy Vulture circles the parking lot until a good space is available, regardless of whether or not there are spaces open at the back of the lot or in the upper levels of the parking garage. One commonly also sees Lazy Vultures at shopping malls. In the time it takes them to find a close parking spot they could have just parked in any available spot and walked the extra 15 feet. The Late Vulture is the one that sleeps in and arrives at work around 10:00 a.m. They too circle the lot, but simply wait for any space to become vacant as they finish shaving or fixing their hair.

Every company has the Jackass Parker. The Jackass speedily glides into a parking spot, slams his vehicle into park, and flees the area in attempt to get to a meeting on time, in which he is already 5 minutes late. What the Jackass doesn’t realize---or maybe does but doesn’t care---is that his vehicle is violating the boundaries of two other parking spaces. This perturbs other employees and invokes the usage of yellow Post-Its (which I highly recommend as retaliation) which simply read “Nice park job, Jackass”. I’ve done this, and it makes me feel much better! I also recommend, if you have a crappy car, to skim your way into the violated parking spot and make it look as though the speed-demon hit your car. It helps if you have collected plastic pieces of indicator light in your trunk, so you can sprinkle them around the area. If you chafe the space-hog just right, you can even manage to exchange paint on bumpers, making for better effects and a more realistic claim. Again, a Post-It comes in handy, with a message that says “Jackass- you hit my car, call me 555-1212”. Now you can finally get the dent from hitting your mailbox fixed for free.

The Parking Owls are the wisest employees of all. With a camouflage-like behavior, an immobile cube stance, and silent approach, the Parking Owls are difficult enemies to detect. They are almost always late arriving to the office, but somehow throughout the day they manage to get one of the best parking spots in the lot. They do this primarily by sleuthing their spots, constantly scanning the parking lot from their cube by swiveling their head, allowing them to detect small objects moving at great distances. The visual fields of forward-directed eyes overlap widely, and this binocular vision gives excellent ability to judge which car will vacate the parking lot first. Instantly they launch a silent approach to the vacant parking spot by swiftly rushing to the elevator, forcing the elevator doors closed to evade other Owl intruders, and hurrying to the parking lot to move their car into the newly vacant space. Parking owls tend to be vigilant throughout the day, and almost always migrate to Rooster spots as they open up around 3:00 p.m.

The most dismal parking employee, whom I refer to as the Vacation Parker, owner of the vehicle that never moves so that it appears that the driver is on vacation. When I arrive and when I leave the office, this car is always parked in the same spot everyday. When I pass by on weekends, the same car is still pathetically parked outside the corporate slave-house. One would almost start to think it was part of the facility, like the Big Boy holding the food tray at the entrance of the once famous burger joint, but on snowy days the Vacation Parker's vehicle shows signs of usage. During the winter, I personally think the Vacation Parker's vehicle resembles an igloo because of little circles cleared in the front window, the driver’s side window, and the rear window, but still with two feet of snow on top of the roof. What a sight it must be to see the Eskimo driving the covered igloo down the road with smoke billowing out of the rear end. Just to see this might actually be worth joining the ranks of the Roosters.

Car-Poolers get the special spots in the lots, not to mention the deserted lanes on the expressway too. If you can stand to be in a car with any of your colleagues, I highly recommend joining the "ranks of green" to reap the benefits of parking. The parking spaces that are titled ‘Car Pool Only’ are usually the best parking spots in the garage---next to handicapped parking. I often wonder how many of those cars truly carried more than one passenger---excluding the blow-up carpool dolls. I wonder if the cameras in the parking garage actually record the lone driver that falsely claims to be environmentally friendly as he pulls up to the parking spot and covertly exit his car, ducking under the view of the surveillance camera. I know, because I’ve done this; but I’m curious if security knows.

We all have the guy in our office, the Cheez Parker, with the 1997 Trans-Am that parks in the most distant parking space to avoid getting dinged or scratched, or maybe to prevent theft of the stylish CD hanging from the rear view mirror. I always wait in anticipation to get a glimpse of the "David Hasselhoff wanna-be" just for a laugh, but haven’t yet had the pleasure.

There are a few other random parkers in the bunch and some seasonal.

The Slim Jims for example. They ride their bikes to work in the summer, all 10 miles, with long, lanky arms and legs they smell similar to an overpowering garlic-onion stick for the rest of the day.

The Crotch Rockets (also seasonal) can park in any small nook or cranny or even along side the Jackass. Crotch Rockets don’t have much storage space for Post-Its, so next to the Jackass is appropriate. We all hate the Crotch Rocket that takes an actual space, as if his cycle is worthy? Again the Post-It comes in handy and I write “Unless you drive a real car, don’t take real spaces!”

Mountain Climbers emerge in the spring. In the city, there isn’t much room to dispose of plowed snow, so each year the company picks designated spaces that become the depository spaces for the excess snow. In the spring, the banks start to melt and a portion of the parking space becomes visible. The Mountain Climbers, desperate for a parking space, push the pedal to accelerate their car quickly and levee on top of the snow bank at a 90-degree angle. The Mountain Climbers must jump to exit their vehicles, but at least they have found a parking space. With their luck, the sun will melt some of the snow underneath and slowly lower their car throughout the day.

Those who drive Mini’s should be forced to space-pool. Considering you can fit two Mini’s in the length of one parking spot it makes sense that they should be required to share one space.

As for Lincoln Navigators, they should be banned from all common parking lots. They should have to park at semi-truck stops and car pool the remainder of the way to the office. Why does a 5’3”, 100 lb. woman drive a Lincoln Navigator anyway? She looks ridiculous turning the steering wheel with all her might, trying to squeeze into a parking space with a 5-point attempt. And don’t even get me started on how she looks trying to back out of that same space. I think those kind of cars should be reserved for Shaquille O’Neil or Yao Ming. They don’t work in office and their 10 car garages have ample room for the obese luxury sham.

I think there should be designated inspirational spaces, like a designated “Donut Space”. Any person bringing donuts to the office should get a space especially close to the door to conserve on the warmth of the freshly baked goods. I bet we’d have donuts everyday! In that case, I’ll recommend a Bagel Space too, considering I’m not one for crème filled oil saturated pastries.

Overall I have learned that to be a Park Shark one must learn to beat the system. An employee can beat the early bird by simply arriving at the office at 6:59:58 a.m. Timing this perfectly earns the best space by two seconds and bestows enough time for the Rooster to see someone slyly gliding into his usual parking space. Ruffling feathers, especially when taking a space from the office bully or better yet a boss, can be quite fulfilling.

For those of us who cannot get to the office to beat the Roosters, the Parking Owl approach is your best bet. Additionally, one must always keep Post-It notes and a pen in the glove compartment; you never know when you’ll need to scold a Jackass.

Keep in mind that parking spaces that were once considered trendy can be seasonally out of style. If all else fails, reserve your parking spot with a stolen construction cone, or better yet: your recycle bin.

Under no circumstances is parking in a handicap spot either acceptable or humorous, but telling a colleague that the company has now opened the spots to everyone is…and watching the tow truck is more gratifying than finding a prize parking spot.

That’s my two cents!
Penny Profundo

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