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September 16, 2005
Posted on 09/16/2005 by Alotta Candor
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Dear Alotta,
I have appreciated all of your straightforward advice in past columns and feel you could shed some light on a problem co-worker I have to deal with.
I work with a guy who is the classic example of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Although I don't work with him every day, I frequently travel to his sales territory to support his customers. Whenever I do, I'm forced to spend a great deal of one-on-one time with him as we travel from place to place. I always feel anxious when a trip to his territory comes up because I'm never quite sure which guy I'll work with. Will it be the egomaniac, chauvinist, control-freak, loves-to-push other people’s buttons, complains about his wife, gossip-mongering sex-pot? Or the genuinely kindhearted, good listening, caring-about-your-problems, sound advice offering, wise, seasoned colleague? I have learned to let a lot of his comments go and even recognize when he's trying to push my buttons but his wildly inconsistent behavior is truly disturbing. Do I let it go and just keep my distance? Do I confront? I look forward to the light you can shed on this problem.
- Sick of the psycho in Ohio
Dear Sick,
Alotta thanks you for your confidence and trusts that she can point you in the right direction. That said; get ready for a long answer.
Do you confront? No. You have to work with this man and confronting a "wildly inconsistent" person is not advisable. As you know, the personality profiles you described are on the opposite ends of the spectrum from each other. The characteristics you mentioned are telltale signs of a borderline personality disorder (BPD). A marked symptom of BPD is a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. BPD is related to a person's emotions overwhelming his or her regular cognitive functioning.
According to Richard J. Corelli, M.D of Stanford University,
[Borderline personality disorder] can cause significant distress or impairment in friendships and work. A person with this disorder can often be bright and intelligent, and appear warm, friendly and competent… Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate, close connections... There are also identity disturbances with confusion and uncertainty about self-identity, sexuality, life goals and values, career choices, friendships.
Sounds like the borderline shoe fits snugly. Since you merely work with the man and don't see him often enough, you are not in a position to recommend therapy. As Alotta is not qualified to advise on how to handle someone with BDP, she defers to the Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research on how to handle someone with BDP:
- Be patient. You can't force your friend or family member to get counseling. As obvious as it seems to you that your friend or family member needs help, it's best if the initiative comes from him or her.
- Don't take it personally. When your friend or family member thinks you're the best, enjoy the compliments. But when he or she verbally attacks you, don't take it to heart.
- Acknowledge abandonment fears. It's easier to step back from an angry outburst if you understand where it's coming from.
- Set limits to what you'll tolerate. No one should endure constant verbal or emotional abuse.
- Be supportive. Don't take responsibility for someone else's behavior or become his or her therapist. You can't fix someone else's problems. However, you can be supportive in his or her efforts to get well.
- Build up your own self-esteem. Although you may treasure your friendship, your ego may have sustained blows over the years. Take time to participate in activities that make you proud of yourself. Set goals for yourself and meet them.
- Alotta, supportively
Dear Alotta
What is the appropriate answer to people at work who continually try to trap me into answering questions about my personal life? Specifically, whether or not I am gay. I am, but I don’t feel it's any of their business.
- Private person
Dear Private,
Rubbish!
People who try to trap you into volunteering your sexual orientation need to get a more constructive hobby. Sexual orientation is not an appropriate topic for the workplace and Alotta apologizes for the boorish behavior to which you have been subjected. She imagines you are referring to questions such as "What did you do for Valentine's Day?" followed by "With whom?" Or "Did you see "Million Dollar Baby?" followed by "Who did you go with?"
Yours is a question whose answer applies not only to the inquest into "which team you bat for" but also to a range of other impertinent queries by nosey coworkers. Since you would like to keep your private life private and these boors will no doubt persist, the answer to any question intended to trap you would simply be to smile and say, "That's really none of your business, is it?". To inspire your steadfastness, Alotta calls upon a quote she once read by Francois Duc de la Rochefoucauld that says, "True eloquence consists in saying all that is necessary, and nothing but what is necessary."
- Alotta, tenaciously
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