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July 22, 2005


Posted on 07/22/2005 by Alotta Candor
Viewed: 222 times

Dear Alotta,

There is a woman at work who is proud of the fact that she owns 13 cats. She refers to them as "the kids". It gets really weird when we start talking about our kids or something one of them is doing (normal things like little league, graduation, etc...) she butts in and starts talking about one of her "kids" or rather CATS! Last time, my coworker was discussing difficulty potty training her son and Catwoman interrupts her to say, "Oh that's just like Mr. Pinkerton, when he was a baby, it took him a long time to learn how to use the litter box." HUH? Is she delusional? I used to just say, "uh-uh" but I am so fed up that now I say things like, "What on God's earth does that have to with what we're talking about?" But I know that's not right. What is the proper reply to this?

- Not a cat person

Dear Not a,

There's one in every box, isn't there? While Alotta doesn't want to perturb any cat people and realizes that we all love our animals very much, she feels it necessary to draw the line and advises you to do the same. A proper and civil response to the cat lady's crazy comparisons would be to just stare blankly at her and dryly say, "Interesting" with the least amount of enthusiasm you can muster. In the future, if you felt so inclined (read: annoyed) you could inquire as to how long she breast-fed Mr. Pinkerton. That might shut her up.

- Alotta, cattily


Dear Alotta,

You seem to have all the answers. Where did you get such a good head from?

- Curious George

Dear Curious,

Wow, someone finally noticed! Well, Georgie, let's be fair—Alotta doesn't have all the answers but she sure does try. Tom Cruise might say her gift came from space aliens (or vitamins) but Alotta knows better. It's from daily flossing and regular enemas. Thanks for asking!

- Alotta, puckishly


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