Rev. Belevit, Chaplain of the Damn the Man Army™, speaks the truth to guide us all through the work day. Amen and Hallelujah!
Vocational Self Defense
Salutations, Brothers and Sisters.
Welcome back to the Holy Temple of the Damn the Man Army. Reverend Ken U. Belevit at your service. I think it's time for an old time Revival of the Gospel of Jobschmob. Jobschmob is not just a website, it's a sanctuary, a state of mind, and for some of us, a way of life. We are here to listen, serve, and advise when called upon.
Open the Gospel of Jobschmob to chapter 41, verse 13. "Vocational Self Defense".
Your first and foremost line of defense is intel (NO, not the microchip company). First rule: Keep the holes on the side of your head open and the one under your nose closed. You'll be surprised at the copious amount of information just floating around the workplace. Do lunch with some of your co-workers, break at the water cooler, stand around the coffee pot and just listen. You'll hear everything from whose getting canned to who's sleeping with who. LISTEN but don't propagate. Never allow yourself to be brought down to their level.
Second Rule: Keep your private life PRIVATE! The easy way to avoid being the focal point of rumors is to not to give your coworkers ammunition (especially now with half the workforce going postal). If you're asked something personal, change the subject, let them know that you prefer not to talk about it, or, if nothing else, hit the volume key on your cell and pretend to answer it. Your coworkers can't start the fire if you don't supply them with the fuel.
Third Rule: Stay professional. You are the most important associate where you work. That's right! You da man...woman...whatever. Let other people model themselves after you, don't model yourself after them. Ain't nobody else gonna give you their paycheck. We all work because we have to, not because we want to. We work for luxuries...you know...mortgage, food, clothes, coffee. Even though you hate working for The Man, do your job, do it well, collect your paycheck and let everyone else fend for themselves.
Fourth Rule: Never show weakness. In the animal world predators can sense and smell fear and weakness. Same thing in the working world. Be an "Alpha" associate and stay in control. If someone gets in your face, stay frosty. Believe me, indifference is one of the best weapons you have. If a coworker decides to use you as whipping boy (girl..whatever) for their petty work problems, stay calm. The calmer you are, the more they look like an ass and the more others respect you.
Thank you for attending today's services. Keep the Gospel of Jobschmob with you everyday and let's end this morning with our closing prayer: DAMN THE MAN!!!
Disclaimer: Obviously "The Rev" is not an ordained minister of any kind and is not affiliated with any church or place of worship. The Rev. Ken U. Belevit persona is done in satire and jest strictly for JobSchmob.com.
post a commentHaveADamnNiceDay(04/11/2006)
Hey Rev! I've been applying these rules to my new job! I've got a twitchy type-A anal-retentive kirk-out who doesn't have any respect for my position currently, and is taking out her frustrations on me over an honest mistake (after all, I'm still new). What's funny is that it's been more than a week! However, I haven't shown any weakness! (AMEN!)Thanks to the power of the spirit of 'Damn the Man', I can overcome any workplace demon of immaturity! Damn the Man!....er, woman?
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