So it's been a long while since I last blogged. First let me say, I regret that. Second, let me say, "I regret that!!". (That last one was aloud to myself to remind myself of what's important.)
I have to remind myself of my regret because recently I got a bit lost. You know how it goes, us humans, we think we're solid in something and then a couple months down the road, we stop and go, "Whoa! How the hell did I let this happen?" If we're lucky, it's our own brain that allows us to come to our senses and not a health problem or some other sort of adverse situation.
For me, it was chest pains---due to job stress.
I know. I know! If you've read posts I've written in the past, you know I'm a big proponent of just doing your job and going home to live the important part of your life. And I always tell people that sacrificing your health or other parts of your life for a job is just not worth it. Many times I've met friends for lunch who complain about the toll their jobs are taking on them. I always stood on a soapbox and self-righteously implied that they should be more like me and learn to have a better balance.
So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself in the exact physical state from which I so proudly believe myself immune. I had to really pinch myself, which---let me tell you---is not something I felt like doing in the midst of chest pains. But, dammit, it really was happening. There I was, a few weeks into solidly stressing myself out about work. Night and day I obsessed, wrestled through sleepless nights, woke up in the middle of the night thinking about my current projects, and constantly bored my poor husband with details about my clients or projects. It sucked! I was a wreck and I didn't realize what I was doing to myself.
How does that happen? How does someone like me get sucked into the downward spiral of work related stress? How did I get to be lying on the floor clutching my chest and trying to breathe deeply, scared for my life, telling my husband to be ready to call the paramedics if I didn't get any better? I should have taken the signal when my eye started twitching, as that's always been my body's way of saying "Slow down, dammit!". And I should have REALLY listened when I noticed my chest was tightening and my heart beating faster on a regular basis when doing mundane things like driving and typing on the computer. But I chose to ignore all that and then there I was, a victim of my own stupid self-destruction.
I'll tell you how I got there. I listened to that Little Miss Type A voice in my head that told me to push on and make everything perfect. She told me that it was just a passing phase. She told me it was only going to last for a few weeks. She told me just to eat whatever I needed to keep my spirits up---even if it was Halloween candy for breakfast. She told me I'd have time for yoga later. And she told me the biggest lie of all. She told me that this stress wasn't the same as stressing out for an evil company---this work was for myself and my own business so it was okay to behave like a stressed out idiot. And me? I believed her and completely suppressed the logical voice inside my head that said, "Wait a minute, don't forget to take time for yourself and RELAX!".
After that scare, I took the next day off. That night, I really thought I might die in my sleep or something, but I promised myself if I lived, I would take the next day off. I lived, so I went hiking with my husband and my dog. I pushed my projects out of my mind and I spent the whole day breathing in clean air and watching the leaves turn color. It was the best medicine ever.
Since that day off, I've been better. I'm not 100%, but little by little, I'm saying "No" to people and clearing my schedule of too many projects. I'm doing much better at not obsessing and practicing to breathe again. I'm doing better at setting my hours and shutting off my computer. I'm sure I'll be my old self in no time. It's really important to me that I get that part of me back because I then I can do things like write for JobSchmob! Woo!
Below, I put a link to an article that I should I have read before I got so stressed out. It's about a 37 year-old woman who had a job stress induced heart attack. I'm 33. I consider myself very lucky to have survived my wake up call.
Important Note:I have since learned that chest pains are not something to mess around with. If you have even the slightest inkling that you are having a heart attack you should immediately call for a paramedic.
twiz(10/26/2007)
Good for you! Life is too short to spend it curled up on the floor holding your chest and stressing out.
Very happy to hear you are feeling better and taking the time to enjoy the fall season!
Job Schmob Blogger(10/26/2007)
Thanks guys, it was a real wake up call for me. Just when you think you're doing well in life, you realize there is so much more to learn...
HaveADamnNiceDay(10/26/2007)
When I was 20, I worked in a cardiologist's office. This place was one of the worst places I worked in, because I was everyone's rag doll. Because I was so young, I wanted to do everything I could to make the powers that be pleased with me, but I could never do enough. I was badmouthed behind my back, to my face and basically treated like the town drunk---and I busted my ASS at that job. One of the things I developed while there was a terrible caffeine addiction--I drank two huge things of coffee: One in the am and one at around 1 or 2pm. On top of that, (this was before ephedra was banned), I would take ephedra---just so I could stave off the sleepiness that constantly bothered me, but evaded me at night while I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling.
One day just for kicks I took an ekg on myself and discovered I'd developed a mild arrythmia. Sometimes I even felt it--the subsequent pause and then sudden banging of my heart against my ribs, followed by a normal beat. I was TWENTY-TWO by the time I discovered this. I exercised regularly too! I ran, took and taught karate and taught kickboxing. I was a busy kid. However, this job was destroying me from the inside out. I eventually left. The only thing I have left to remind me of those times is a single gray hair that occasionally pokes out of the top of my head. The caffeine withdrawl eventually subsided ^_^.
JSB, I'm SO GLAD you wised up and took care of yourself! If you don't, who will?
anonymous(10/26/2007)
Now hold that good thought
everybody
No backsliding allowed!
Your life long or short
is up to you.
Bookwoman(10/28/2007)
I'm glad you're getting yourself back on the right track. It's easy to listen to those rotten little voices sometimes.
My mom passed away at the age of 54 from cancer. She was preparing to retire from her job as a public health nurse, go back to school for another degree and then go into social work. She was excited and living life, and then she got really sick. When she died, I realized how very, very young 54 actually is. I mourn for the life she didn't get to live. And I told myself that one never knows what will happen, and that I needed to remember that, always. I haven't, and have suffered the health consequences at times. So far I've managed to get ahold of myself before I got too sucked into work issues. Now I'm in my late 40s (how the hell did THAT happen?!) and when I leave work, it's not even in my head. I could care less if the building burned down (as long as no one was in it). It doesn't even exist for me. That being said, there are days when it is more difficult to decompress and I have to take the long way home with the windows open. The wind helps to blow the crap out of my head. Once I even leaned my head out the window (on a back road) and just screamed. It was great. Then I was good. Went home and hugged my dog, even better.
Take care of yourself.
dumber than a catbox full of sh*t(10/28/2007)
Bookwoman--I don't know how that being (all of a sudden!) in the 40's thing happened, either! I have learned to not bring the job home with me but it is very hard when things get really tense--the disrespect of teens in a class at 7 or 8 in the morning. I have had a way of doing this for many years. Nothing is allowed in my house that has to do with my job. On the occasions where I have to bring home work, I bring in my materials, do my work and then take it all back out to my car. I really try to avoid this. I work like a dog at work to avoid this. Our school colors are white and cobalt blue. Nothing in my house is this color with the exception of the classic Mexican drinkware that has the cobalt blue stripe around the top. And having a quadruped (in my case a cat) helps much. Sometimes I go have a lemon or blueberry martini after work. That helps, too. I have learned that my life can end at any time and I do think that happiness/peace (to me happiness is peace and a quiet mind) is under-rated.
Bookwoman(10/30/2007)
dumber than a box - do you mind if I call you 'smarter'?!! - I do not know how you manage, and give you boatloads of credit (boat - as in - you deserve a cruise!). Your comments about the school colors is actually somewhat shocking to me. I read that and tried to imagine myself in your shoes, limiting my home life in a personal way, to keep out my work life. That's tough.
I'm not sure what age kids you work with. I work in the payroll office of a very large university and come into contact with thousands of college students who have student worker employment, and I have to say that many of them are just amazingly awful. I don't know if there's something in the water, or what. The sense of entitlement they display at our office is truly, staggeringly, breathtaking. Our university is all about "civility" (on paper) and we, the office staff, are held to a higher accountability in our student interactions than the students are! One day recently a student went completely off on me. My response was just to stare at him. He looked at me with such a belligerent expression, following his little tirade, as if I were crap. So I couldn't help myself. I had to ask him. "Do you talk to your mother with that mouth?"
Guess who was "spoken to." Yup. Me. My boss was afraid students who were upset with the "service" would go to the student newspaper and a scathing article would result. Can you believe that? But that's OK. My older daughter writes for the student newspaper. I've invited her to "take your child to work" day. She's going to write an article about our office at my request. Guess I'll show it to my boss, see what she says.....
boy, did this all get off the topic. Oh, well. It's all stress, right?!!!
Kelly S(08/22/2008)
The day I quit my job with no notice I truly felt like I was going to die. I had a migraine, which I have never had, chest pains, crying, etc. I went out to my car and prayed for the strength to leave and not come back. I stayed til 5 (which was a signal to my boss that I was out of there because I never left at 5. More like 7 or 8 with a big box work to do when I got home) I came home, talked to hubby, he said he knew, because he knew I laid awake all night worrying about everything that needed done. I was a total bitch and could never take time off because even a couple hours to go to the Dr. resulted in total catastophie. So I emailed my resignation letter effective immediatly. He called wanting to know why (hello, if you came out of your office once in a while to see what was going on you wouldnt have to ask) and I told him that I either walked out or be carried out on a stretcher and I preferred to walk. No job is worth all that stress.
breathless in carolina(08/23/2008)
Since I lost my job a few months ago Ive been really stressed about holding up my end. all of a sudden my body is doing all these funky little things. My breathing is the major concern and being paranoid is the other.
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